Endings...

An end to a beginning
a wilting flower waiting for rain.
A beginning for an end
No longer versed in pain.

Ok, that's not so great. I know. But I just wrote that on the fly.

I've been thinking about endings a lot lately. And then my nephew graduated from high school tonight, so that just help make it hit home. I feel so old! It seems like yesterday that my mom was shaking me from a dreamless sleep telling me we had to go to the hospital. Then this little man was brought into my life. We have had great times shopping together for Christmas and my attempts to teach him about music... and teaching to broaden his horizons. We had the same heartbreak after our junior year of high school and had the same shared joy of leaving those school doors for the last time as a student. We share the same sense of humor and he can make me laugh until my stomach aches. He wanted a Sham-wow for graduation and unfortunately I didn't see the info-mercial to order him one. He's a lovely child and I am so proud of him.

Now I have my own endings to contemplate. However, somehow it's going to as easy as walking down the line and accepting a diploma.

I have a disease called pseudotumor cerbri, which literally means false brain tumor. The medicine leaves me in a fog a lot of the time. I have had 2 strokes at the age of 27 and even though I have been doing very well since I left the hospital in January, there are some speech issues that are unresolved. I am doing very well in the speech department though. Most people aren't even able to tell that I had any issues at all. I am not happy, but my speech therapist discharged me on Tuesday since I was doing so well. I have some issues that I can see (or hear as the case may be) but there's nothing I can do about it except take a deep breath and calm down. Maybe thats just what I need to do.... take a breath and calm down. I want this to end. I don't want to have deal with any of this anymore. But I'm grateful for every day that God gives me. If I have learned anything in the course of all the beginnings and endings in my life is to give thanks for each and every moment. Because you never know.

Post-stroke poetry

Ok, for anyone who knows me, I used to write poetry... A LOT. After the stroke, I was afraid to try it again for fear that it ju'st wouldn't work anymore. There are so many things that the stroke affected, I was terrified that that would be taken away from me too. So, here are a couple of examples of the first post-stroke poetry. These were an "assignment" from my speech therapist.
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Please don't say "I love you" anymore,
I don't want to hear it.
Please don't say you want me.
I know it's not the truth.

I have sat and watched a month of
moonless nights pass me by.
Those clouds haunt my dreams.
Never a vision of the once starry sky.

Please don't say "don't cry"
as my tears start their journey to the sea.
Please don't say "it's going to be alright."
because you don't know.

Let me feel what I feel and let that be ok.
I'm finished looking through your mirror sideways.

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Blinding nothiness has consumed me
weakened my force of life
taken away my light
thrust me into a tunnel of dark
No fear there, in the dark
all scary cannot be seen
all the pain I want, all the pain I need.
no solace to be found there in the nothingness
going through the motions of living
missing out on life
chunks of it
slipping away.
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OK, so most of my poetry isn't this dark and depressing, but things aren't going that well for me in my personal life. More to come about that later. I'm just not sure I have enough words yet.

please forgive me for any misspellings or grammar errors. i don't always catch them since the stroke.