Shopping..

Ok, so I don't do the "Black Friday" shopping. And this year was a perfect example why... a poor guy at Wal-Mart was trampled. Holy cow! For what I ask? To find a few deals? I think not.

But, I'll get off of that soapbox. I'm quite frustrated about it altogether. But anyway. I went shopping on Saturday with my best friend. I introduced her to a new store, a discount department store (kind of like TJ Maxx or Marshalls). She had never been there before and she was totally enthralled. Now, I am so anti-girl in the following statement... I hate to shop. When I get in the mood, it's fine. But in general, I truly detest it. Now, maybe if I were a size 2 and could find all the clothes I wanted I wouldn't have this problem, but since I am not a size 2, I don't enjoy it. Anyway. I took her shopping at this store. Now, when I first discovered this store, I was also very excited, because I bought a ton of clothes for next to nothing. However, never have I ever spent 3 HOURS in a single store at one time! 3 Hours!!!! I was ready to keel over by the time she was finally finished! I mean, I'm ok for about an hour... but 3?

Ok, girls... I know, I'm completely not girly am I? I'm missing a gene or something! First my husband can't deal with the fact that I'm not a "lovey dovey" person. I don't want to sit around staring into someone's eyes when there are other things to be done. I'm not one to cuddle... it irritates me. See, I'm missing some essential girl genes!!

Update

Ok, so I've been gone for a while... both from this blog and from the fitness blog. There are a couple of reasons....
-The stress level at my job has gone through the roof and I often don't even take a lunch break, so I can't even walk on the treadmill at work. I have submitted a resume to another company that would pay more and would be less stressful, so I'm hoping that will work out after the first of the year.
-We have had someone interested in buying the house, so I've been trying to get it cleaned (which, in this big old house, is a workout in itself!).
-The doctor has put me on yet another medication that is supposed to stop the minor headaches that I've been having (in hopes of preventing any future migraines) and it makes me insanely groggy and makes me even less of a morning person!

But I have been reading a book that has me changing a lot of my outlooks on things. I realize that I have been extremely reactive in my life (for the last couple of years anyway)... waiting for things to happen to me. Rather than making them happen for myself. So, I guess I've been working on my inner self for the last few weeks rather than the outer. If anyone has not read The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, I highly recommend it!

Election Day

Happy Election Day! Hope everyone got out and exercise their right today!!! I don't care you vote/voted for....as long as you vote!

Another Twi-hard on the block!

Just an update... I have 2 converts to the Twilight universe!
YAY!
My friend in Washington just recently finished the series and loved it. And my best friend is almost through with New Moon, she was up half the night reading it. Of course, she didn't believe me that they were simply fabulous, but when this guy that she works with recommended it, she decided to read it. Now she can't stop. She has requested me to bring her Eclipse because she's going to finish New Moon tonight. And she doesn't want to wait another minute to read the rest of the series. Of course, we all know how she feels, don't we?!

So, today is my birthday and it's been ok. I finally tracked down some bookends. Have any of you ever tried to find bookends? I'm sorting my books and trying to get them in some sort of order, so I was looking for another set of bookends and they are darn near impossible to find! I went to a zillion stores today looking for them. But mission accomplished. Happy birthday to me!

Oddities

Ok, so yeah I've been reading this series of books that are set in Ireland. So, I'm sure that is where the dream came from. Almost positive.
For those of you that don't know, I spent several months in Ireland in 2004. In that short time, it became home for me. To paraphrase the movie Sabrina, I found myself in Ireland (Sabrina found herself in Paris).
And pretty much since I had the stroke, I haven't been dreaming. Well, last night I had a dream that unsettled me more than I care to admit. I've made no secret of my desire to go back to Ireland to live, and reading these books set in Ireland do not help matters in any way, but this dream was so bizarre. In the dream, a lady that I do not like from my office was sitting across from me at a picnic table and telling me that I should contact HR to find out if there are any jobs at our facility in Ireland. She was giving me names and everything. Now since this woman and I do not get along, it bothered me on several levels. But I can't get it out of my head.
Now, I have had that thought more times than I can count (checking to see if there are any jobs available there), but of course, that's completely impractical, right? I mean, it would be nye on impossible for me to get a work visa right?

So, instead of heading down that road, I actually did something going another road. I sent away for information from a school for marine science. That's what I was going to do when I graduated from high school, but for some reason I didn't. I don't regret any of those decisions because I wouldn't be the person I am today if I hadn't made those choices. However, I realized a couple of days ago, that I am the only thing that is holding me back. Me. Not the illnesses, not the crazy, selfish husband, just ME. I AM THE ONLY THING HOLDING ME BACK. So, now that I have come to this realization, that doesn't make the mechanics any easier. But there you have it.

The question remains as to what I will do. What I really want to do. But at least I did something. I looked down both less traveled roads today. I found a book that is supposed to help people considering a move to Ireland, so when I get some more money, I'm going to invest in that as well. And I guess when I weigh all the options, I will be able to make the right decision. Of course, there comes the nasty business of this crumbling marriage too. To try or not. I don't want to get divorced. But I can't just get over what he's done to me. Is that wrong of me? Should I just say ok, and pretend everything is ok? Or since my feelings are so different these days, just cut the losses for all involved and forget my credit rating and leave it all be?

I'm a trooper apparently

The surgery was a success. Now we just have to make sure I don't get an infection. Apparently in a relatively short period of time, the tissue in my heart will start growing over the device and it will be just a part of my heart.


They went in through the veins in both legs, inserting a camera in one side to locate the hole in my heart and a catheter in the other that when they found the hole, they injected the device to close it up. They gave me a valium thinking it would make me sleepy, but apparently people choose not to believe you when you tell them that it literally takes horse tranquilizers to knock you out! Anyway. I was in surgery for about 2.5 hours, give or take. They had the monitors over to the side, so I couldn't watch everything as it happened. And when I would move my head to try to see what was going on, they'd shove some more sedative in my IV! 4 vials of the stuff they gave me... and the only reason I went to sleep was because I got bored. I'd wake up and ask what was going on... then they'd say give her some more.... it was rather amusing.



The only thing that was remotely painful was when they inserted the stent in my left leg. The right was no big deal, but the left hurt a little. After the surgery, the doctor went out and told my family about it all, calling me a trooper. I'm not sure why I was deemed a trooper, but I'll take it. I had all my nurses cracking up the entire time. One of them told me I should go into nursing, after all of the health issues I have. Because apparently I have such a good attitude about it all. Then the stents had to come out. That wasn't the most pleasant experience. But by far the worst of all, was lying flat on my back for 6 hours. I don't even sleep on my back. I was miserable. After 4 hours, I got to be raised up 40 degrees, and let me tell you, those 40 degrees make all the difference. Of course, after my procedure, I was finally able to eat something, so I was not quite as cranky as I had been. I hadn't had anything to eat or drink after dinner Tuesday (around 8pm) and I didn't get out of the procedure until 4 or something. And me with no food or caffine is not a pretty sight. So, at least as soon as they wheeled me into the recovery room, the nurse gave me a coke and all was well with the world again. Then when I got to the observation unit, I ate a ton of food! I mean, all I had to do was lay around. I was miserable on my back, but at least my belly was full!

Today, I am doing fairly well. I am sore. More sore than I expected. But I'm not bruised like I was anticipating. When I had the cerebral angiogram, when they went in though the vein in my leg to send a camera into my brain, I was bruised from my groin area down to my knees and halfway up my stomach. I'm not sure if the docs at Vandy were just better or what. I'm in pretty good shape. I'm just determined to enjoy this week off of work. I'm not sure when I'll be up and exercising again, so I'm going to make use of my time reading I think. I have gotten a ton of books over the last month or so. Time to relax and read. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers!

Surgery scheduled today!!

Great news everybody!

I had an appointment with my cardiologist today and he agreed to close up the hole in my heart. YAY! Potentially off of the Plavix about 6 months after surgery! Yipee! One more horrible medication off my list.
So, everybody pray for me. The doctor was essentially supportive of whichever decision I made (fixing the hole or staying on medicinal therapy). But given that I have already had 2 strokes, I would much rather take the chance in reducing the risk further of having any more.

The procedure is relatively simple, I'll be awake the whole time. So, I'm looking forward to having this hole fixed. It's scheduled for October 8, so I'll be all better by my birthday! YAY!

Happy International Talk Like a Pirate Day!

Check out this link and find out your pirate name!!

Mine is Captain Bess Rackham. Arrrrr, mateys!

http://www.piratequiz.com/

Ok, so I'm so frustrated! I generally don't like to post about work, but today just about got me. The proverbial poop hit the fan at the office today at about 4:15. I got a couple of emails regarding some specific invoices that hadn't been processed yet. Generally, not a big deal. However, these invoices come in packets and some of these packets have multiple invoices (up to 27 in some). That doesn't seem like a big deal, except you can work an entire 8 hour day and only get 4 or 5 invoices completed.

The crux of this is, the money has already been taken out of the bank. Therefore, we haven't been putting these invoices on the highest priority. So, while we have been concentrating on getting current invoices taken care of, these have piled up.

I get these emails today basically saying that our priorities have been misaligned all this time--we need to get these invoices done. I was a bit livid. I mean, my staff comes in early, stays late and comes in on the weekends. Are they not entitled to have lives outside of the office? Because, I'm not joking when I say this, my 3 staff members (plus the other person that has access to our system) would have to stop processing our regular invoices and stay at work until like 10 pm for 2 weeks to get all of these invoices processed.

I don't like to complain about my job. I am truly thankful that I have a job. Sometimes I wish I didn't work quite so many hours, but I do what I have to do. It's just frustrating when someone who only works 40 hours a week tells me that I need to push my staff harder. There is no way that we can add more staff, yet some thing has got to give. I mean, these people that sent me emails don't work overtime, that I know of (and I get enough emails from them to know when they are in the office and when they're not). I can't even return all of the phone calls and emails that I get, much less do the work I need to do as a supervisor, and it's still not enough.

So now, my boss has decided to have us concentrate of these stupid invoices until they are all completed. Great. However, that means the new invoices coming in will not be processed or paid until later. If I didn't have to be the one to feel the repurcussions of this, I wouldn't be complaining. But for each vendor that doesn't get paid on time, I will have 30 more emails and phone calls. GRRRR!!!!!!

Sonnet 116, William Shakespeare

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alterations finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove.
Oh, no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests, and is never shaken.
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come.
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error, and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

Man I'm bummed

I checked Stephenie Meyer's website and someone illegally posted a partial draft of Midnight Sun on the internet and so it is now ON HOLD INDEFINITELY!
She posted a partial draft herself and I read it yesterday and like I already thought just from reading the first chapter... it is to be a truly good book. And will give such insight into Edward's side of the story... If we ever get to read it all!

On a good note... my Harry Potter collection is complete. My staff at work loves me! One of the girls on my team knew that I was looking for hardback copies of the first 3 books. But I just haven't had the extra money to spend on buying them retail. She goes to a shop close to work at least once a week and lo and behold last week, someone sold off their entire collection and she snapped up the first 3 for me and had them hold them for me (at a deeply discounted price!)! How awesome is that! I wasn't sure I was going to be a good supervisor, but maybe I'm doing something right?

The last 2 days...

Well, it's a hectic couple of days in my life.
Thursday started out just like any other day, late to work--stupid traffic, craziness at work, etc. I got a phone call from L saying that he was going to the doctor early. He had an appointment later in the day, but he was having chest pains so he was going to go early. I didn't think much about it because he has had chest pains for about 4 years (usually stress or anxiety related). But this seemed to worry him because his head was stinging and his arm was tingling. So about lunch time I got a phone call saying they were admitting him to the hospital for observation. So, I left work and headed to the hospital. He was telling to stay at work and come on afterward, yeah right. No matter how confused I am about him right now, he is still my husband and I'll be darned if I'm going to let him sit in the hospital and me not be there.
On a rather funny note though, he's a weenie when it comes to needles! I mean, when I was in the hospital for the strokes, I was stuck like a pin cushion every 2 hours for 7 days and they only stuck him like 4 times the entire time and he whined every time. It's not funny really, but men will never cease to amaze me like that!
Anyway. They didn't find anything though the overnight obversation, but the doctor came in about 6:30 am and said it was time for another stress test. He had done one of those either shortly before or after we got married. So we headed to Nashville to Vanderbilt. Again, it appears that nothing is wrong with him. They did the acid reflux test and stuff this time. So that was something different.
I truly believe this is panic/stress related. He started having these types pains with an ex-girlfriend when he was frustrated with her, so that leads me to believe that he's not allowing himself to handle any stress in a productive way. Well, that and smoking 3 packs of cigarettes a day. Now, I'm not sure what to do about him all the way around, but call me crazy but chain smoking like that is one sure why to make yourself sick and make sure that you're not going to be around. I know he didn't ask to be put in the hospital, but I can't help but wonder if he didn't use this as some sort of "test" to see how I would act if he were in the hospital since everyone gave him such a hard time about the way he acted when I was in the hospital. He's changed so much outwardly anyway in such a short time, I can't help but be more than skeptical about him.

A bit of an update...

Ok, so I used that title on the fitness blog, but that's what's been going on in my life this week. If you've visited Dana's blog, you've seen the pictures of the week. It has been a wonderful week for me. A full week away from work, my husband, and responsibilities.


But here's the crux of the week before my vacation. Things with L had been ok for a few weeks, no huge issues had come up, but I was constantly on edge, waiting for the other shoe to fall--as it always has.


Let's start with the release of Breaking Dawn. I told him explicitly, most likely you're not going to exist until I'm finished reading this book. I've been waiting for this book for months, so just leave me alone while I read it through the first time. I doesn't ask for much, just leave me alone while I'm trying to read. First off, he was supposed to be spending the night with his dad, so I was home free to read at my leisure as long as I wanted; or so I thought. When I walked into the house, I knew he'd at least been home. But I thought maybe he'd forgotten something and left again. So I get ready for bed, and head up to our room, all jazzed, ready to crawl under the covers and read at least half the book.... but NO... he was there, sitting in the chair on his computer. Come home to surprise me. I was not happy. I wasn't mean or anything, but I wasn't going to be all lovey dovey or anything because I had plans to read. Apparently, he didn't take me seriously. So I put the book down and went to sleep. The next day, I told him, I will be reading all day. He gets home from work and what does he do? Bug me to death until I have to put the book down again. I was so frustrated. I told him exactly what it was going to be like... yet he seemed to completely ignore it. There again, I don't often ask for alone time, or to be left alone, but if there's something that is important to me, leave me alone until I'm finished. He didn't get it.

But he seemed to be ok. The next week was going to be rather hectic at work. I was having an associate from another office in and I was going to be working a lot. I told him this and he seemed to understand. Then on Wednesday, I told him that I would be working late because the lady was leaving the next day and we had a lot of stuff to get through. So, after work hours, myself, the lady from the other office and another coworker were in a meeting. We were at my coworker's desk, so I wasn't at my desk for over an hour. Apparently, L had been trying to call. When I got back to my desk, I checked my messages and I immediately called him back and answered the question he had left on my voicemail (he was supposed to be showing our house to some potential buyers). However, he was not. Because he had gotten suspicious when I didn't answer the phone, and decided to cancel the house appointment and drive over to my office and sit in the parking lot until I came out. Apparently he decided that I wasn't trustworthy. He had no reason to do this other than his extreme paranoia. I was LIVID. I'm sure he could seem the steam rolling out of my ears as I walked out of my office. How dare he accuse me of something, whatever it may be, when he knew very well where I was. And I have done nothing, NOTHING to justify this behavior.
We seemed to be ok after a heated discussion. Of course, I was on my guard and I was angry, but I was dealing with it. I was leaving for Utah on Friday, so it was not too bad. Then on Thursday, I got a call from him as I left work telling me that we "had some stuff to talk about." I couldn't fathom what he could have possibly gotten in his head that day. So, I was driving home, pondering what could have happened.... and then God put it in my head...he's read your old journals. And when I got home, that's what had happened. He had read all my old journals, looking for something incriminating. This of course turned into a huge argument while I was packing my clothes for Utah. He was slamming me for my past. Accusing me of anything and everything....simply because I'd said this guy was cute or that was hot. Good grief... nothing in those journal was new. I mean, I haven't kept a journal steadily for years. Most all of the things he was mad about all took place before I met him...before I even knew he existed. I fail to see why that kind of stuff should matter to him. I've told him all the big stuff. I'm sure I've left out some details that he must have enjoyed reading, but it was nothing new.
But how violated I still feel. Even though, after the knock down, drag out, he seemed to step outside of his own head and see what he'd been putting me through for the last 2 years, I cannot trust him anymore. Good grief. My bouts of depression. My inward reasons for escaping to Ireland... stuff that was between me, the journal and Heavenly Father.
After I left, and was in Utah, on Sunday, he seemed to have realized what he'd done. Telling me that he was going to change. That I was coming home to a changed man. That he was going to get on medication. Scared that he was going to lose me.
And this week, has been pretty good I must say. He did go on the medication. He decided that he believes in God again. It's been much more pleasant around here. However, I think I'm being a little cold. I don't mean to be. But I am still so angry at him. And after someone breaches the trust that you put in them, how are you supposed to rebuild that when they have turned into a needy person, needing to be around you most of the time. Grr! I need some space. But I can't get out this house. Anyone know someone looking to move to south central KY?
Sure, I went to Utah to get some space, but how could I do that when he called me every day? And I think it's going to take more than a week to figure this out....

One more day.....

Emmaly's shirt

my shirt

Ok, so here are the pictures of the shirts that I've made for my neice and myself...

OK, so my sister did most of the work because since the stroke I'm not steady enough to get the letters straight, but I did all the ironing! :-) The pictures don't do the sparkle justice though! Just one more day!

ps: I know the skull on Em's shirt doesn't fit with the theme so much... but she digs them and I love that kid more than anything, so I added that as a surprise for her!

Breaking Dawn quote of the day 7/16/08

Bella: "Jasper? What do vampires do for bachelor parties? You're not taking him to a strip club, are you?"Bella: "Jasper? What do vampires do for bachelor parties? You're not taking him to a strip club, are you?"


HAHAHAHAHA!!!!! This made me laugh out loud and I just had to share!!! Love to you all!

I'm It.... thanks Liz!

OK, so Liz got me...
Here are the rules: link back to the person who tagged you, post these rules on your blog, Share six unimportant things about yourself and tag six random people at the end of your entry. Let the people you tagged them by leaving a comment on their blogs. Enjoy the results!

1. I hate to cook. I detest it. The thought of spending hours in the kitchen makes me nauseous. But I must say, I don't know how to make anything other than a darn good turkey burger and fantabulous spaghetti, so that could have something to do with the distaste.

2. There are only 2 books in my life that I haven't finished after I've started them. One was the Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad and I don't remember the other one, I have done my best to block that from my memory... so I'm not going to dredge it up out of the depths of my mind. Otherwise, I'm a bit of a book junkie.

3. I'm obsessed with all things Celtic. Music, history, culture.... you name it, I love it. I didn't chose to live in Ireland for nothing.

4. I believe in love in love at first sight.

5. I want to live near the beach.

6. My favorite song of all time is "Wish You Were Here" by Pink Floyd.

Geez that was rough. Unfortunately, I don't have any blog friends that haven't been tagged yet, so I guess I drop the ball here.

On a personal note.... I am still trying to find the words for the final part of my story.... I can't figure out what to say.

Part 4.... 2008

OK, this should be the last one.

This year started out with quite a bang. L's dad having open heart surgery and me having a stroke. Me stuck in the hospital in North Carolina and often having no idea where L was. Getting back home, to be off work for about a month and a half. This was rather detrimental for work, we were in the midst of a development transition since my company had aquired another business and I had gotten promoted to the supervisor over the accounts payable for this entity. Not the time for me to be having a serious illness. But I couldn't very well talk on the phone when I couldn't figure out how to say the simpliest of words. But I was back in the swing of things in about a month and a half. Which for a person like me, who is a BIG believer in avoidance, it was perfect. I was able to throw myself into work and not have to deal with the issues at home.

It was early in the year when L started getting even weirder. He was very paranoid of everything. He had abandoned his starting his own business idea. He started reading odd stuff and coming up with random ideas--such as the government was out to get him because he'd "woken up" to the "truth." What truth he's referring to, I'm not sure. He had always been a little freaked out about the whole world ending in 2012 thing, but this was getting ridiculous. But I'm getting ahead of myself. We had been having problems from the time I had gotten home from North Carolina. And I had almost had enough. As a matter of fact, I had actually gone out with friends one night not wearing my wedding ring (something that I never do). I wasn't out trolling for men, but I was just tired of being the married single woman, you know. Anyway. I believe it was Good Friday that this explosion happened. Dana was at the house just hanging out, burning some cds when he got home. Apparently L had tried to call me, but since we have no service in our house, I didn't get the call. I had gotten a call earlier from a number that I didn't know, so I didn't answer it. When he walked through the door, he was pissed. You could just see it on his face. He had already accused me of cheating on him one day a couple of weeks prior because he didn't see the vehicle I was driving at the time parked in front of the house (but it was there... I was dead asleep when he got upstairs). So when he saw Dana's car in front of the house and my car no where to be found(my car was around the back of the house), he was livid all over again... because he was already mad that I hadn't answered his call (which remember I didn't recieve). He came in and basically showed himself in front of Dana, I tried to apologize for missing the call (I thought maybe he'd called me from someone else's phone and that was the number I'd ignored). He was having none of it. He took a shower and then left. I had made plans with to go out with some friends that night, so I went and picked up my friend, B (mentioned in part 1, the guy that introduced us) and we went to my friend's apartment in Tennessee. We went to Nashville to hear some music. After we'd been out for a while, I started getting text messages. At first, they were flirty. Then they stopped. About a half hour later, he was blowing up my phone asking where I was. I told him. He was pissed. Especially when I told him I was with B. Apparently, he thought I was sitting home alone (like I usually do when he's out with his friends) so he thought he'd come home and 'have his way with me' as he put it. And when I wasn't there, he was livid. He told me that I'd better get home now. Against my better judgement, I had my friends leave and came home. He told me that I'd better be driving myself home...alone. Meaning that I had to leave B at our friend's apartment. By the time I got home, I was the livid one. I walked in the door and said something to the effect of 'just because you don't believe in fidelity doesn't mean that I don't. I have never cheated on a boyfriend in my life, much less my husband.' This was followed by some retarted story about B hitting on another guy's girl or something... to which I responded, I can take care of myself. If B tries to put the moves on me, I can put an end to that quickly. But he would never do that to me, B was the best man at our wedding for pete's sake. I was like, I couldn't care less if you trust B or not, but you'd damn well better trust me. Finally, after talking till 6 am, he was satisfied but I was more discontent than ever.


Then in April he started talking about the world coming to an end... we'd all be fighting for every bite we had, women would be turned into baby making machines for the government for soldiers, etc. He told me that we had to start stockpiling food for such an event. Now, I'm all for having an emergency kit, but he was talking crazy (I mean, food storage gone berzerk). He's talking about this one morning before work and I said, there's not going to be a natural disaster of that magnatude any time soon. To this he says, I'm going to divorce you if you don't stop talking like that. Excuse me. Just because I have the capacity to think rationally, you're going to divorce me?


Shortly after this conversation, he told me that he didn't think it was fair that the military were the only ones allowed semi- and automatic weapons. He thought every man should be allowed to arm himself as he saw fit. Ok, I'm all for having a gun, I have no problem with that. Having an arsenal of Uzis I have a problem with. Honestly, all I could picture was L holed up in a shack in Wyoming or somewhere with his stockpile of food and weapons looking like the unibomber. Whereas I think if there's going to be some sort of disaster, it's going to be a nuclear thing, he was like what if there's a chemical spill on the interstate and you can't get anywhere? Like I can't read a map and take other roads to where I might want to go.


One day, we could hear military transport vehicles overhead during the day (could be because there's an armory nearby... or the army base a couple of hours away, nothing unusual to hear them) and he told me that his first thought was, 'are they coming to get me.' Yes, folks, you read that right. Apparently, since they've been listening to our conversations through our DVR (yes, he wanted to dismantle our DVR because he heard that 'they' could plant microphones in them) he's a national threat.... Again, his sense of self-importance is astonishing.


He thinks that most people are slaves doing what the government tells us to do. Like a quote from his favored political candidate, 'people are quite happy to be slaves as long as they are well fed and well entertained.' He's talked about bolting 2 tractor trailers or 2 school busses together to live in... as well as converting a silo into a house. Now, kudos to those people that choose to live in dwellings like that, but I am not one of them. Kudos to those people that want to ride a bicycle to make their toaster work, but I am not one of them. He knew that when he married me. When we met, he was going to buy a motor home and travel. But he started school, trusted his company, and we bought the house. We thought things would be ok. But then he started thinking that the world owed him something. He still thinks the world owes him something. He doesn't want to have kids because he doesn't want to 'slave' to feed someone else's mouth when he can't even feed his own. He has said that he wouldn't take care of a special needs child if we had one because he wouldn't pay the doctor bills. He has told me that he doesn't want to have kids with me because he's afraid that I'll croak when I'm 40 and he'll be "stuck" raising them when he didn't want them in the first place.


His friend J called me a few weeks ago and asked me if I thought there was something wrong with him. He said that he'd noticed a lot of little things that were indicative of severe bipolar disorder. I thought something along the lines of schzophrenia, but a lot of the symptoms are simiar. J's sister works for a psychiatrist and she agreed. J talked to L, and he seemed to take it rather well, and said he'd consider meds again. But when tell him that he needs to go back on meds (he was on something when we started dating, but he just decided that he didn't need it anymore) he says he'll just smoke pot every day. And he does. When he did it every now and then when we were dating, it wasn't a huge deal, but now, it's ridiculous. I feel like I've been lied to all over the place. J doesn't think L had an intention of having kids with me, he just told me that so I'd marry him, thinking he could talk me out of it. And if he intended to smoke pot every day, he should have made that clear up front.


We had talked about getting divorced a couple of months ago, because he wasn't happy living the life that I have to live now (meaning I have to have a job with insurance, etc). But neither of us did anything about it. A couple of weeks ago, just before our anniversary, he came home mad. First he asked me if I'd put on weight (I had just come home from the gym). And he said that I needed to be doing something about it because he didn't want an obese wife. And now I was borderline grotesque to him. That was one of the reasons he didn't want to have kids because he was afraid I would balloon up to 500 pounds and he'd have to tie me to the back of his station wagon so I could run. Yes, he said that. And he said that he only needed women around for 3 or 4 things and I wasn't fulfilling any of them. Meaning, I didn't go down him whenever he wanted (sorry to be graphic), I didn't cook for him (even though we'd decided before we got married that he'd cook and I'd clean up). And even though I did the laundry, I could stop doing his until I got out strung up a line in the back yard beccause the dryer used too much electricity. Then he said something about not having kids, and I said fine, I'll call a lawyer. I haven't yet. But I had set a date in my head, of our anniversary--I was going to play nice until then then the gloves were coming off and the first time that he pissed me off, I was going to pack a bag and leave. Maybe just for a night, maybe for a week, I didn't know. So, I just took it. I knew that I was being emotionally abused, I was consciously aware of it, but I took it.


The next night, he was fine when I got home. I was pretty bitchy, and kept bringing up things he'd said. He told me to ignore all the bad stuff that he'd said because he'd just been "out of his head." Like I can ignore most of that stuff.


Later that week, we even went to a movie. Then on our anniversary the next week, we went out to eat and he bought me diamond earrings. I could barely be appreciatitve of them because it was just too little too late. He's hurt me too much.


I told J that it doesn't really matter whether he has a mental illness or not. I just want out. Does that make me a bad person? Even if he came to me and said that he wanted to go to counseling and go on meds, I still just want out. I have been so hurt by all of this. I still love him more than I know what to do with, but don't I have to take care of me? It's funny, he used to tell me that he wanted to take care of me. Of course, to this I responded, I can take care of myself. And for the most part, I can. But I need a little emotional support now. Especially with all the illness and other stuff that has happened to me. He had the perfect opportunity to take care of me, and he left it up to everyone else. I don't know what to do. I think I started preparing for divorce when he used the word in April. Before he'd talk about leaving, or kicking my ass out, but he'd never used the word divorce before. I think in the back of my head I started preparing for it. But I still don't know what to do. We're trying to sell the house, but I don't want to get an apartment with him. I want to make a clean break. Does that make me a bad person? I know there is someone that will treat me exactly like I deserve to be treated. What it is that keeps me wasting time with this person? I know when I got married, I intended to get married for eternity. But when all of the vows were broken on one side first, what am I supposed to do?
Ok, now, there are things that I have left out. I'm sure I have thoroughly confused some of you. But this is the gist of it. Thanks for reading. Thanks for caring about what goes on in my life. Thanks for caring about me. Love to you all.

Part Three

Ok, so where was I? Oh yes, out of the hospital, and such. I was off work for 3 months and was finally released to go back in January. And it wasn't a moment too soon. I was so bored sitting at home (especially since we only had one television channel! and I could stand to read for long periods of time). So, it was back to work I went.
I tried to get as back to normal as I could. L seemed to be drifting further and further away from me. I tried my best to get back to being me then. However, I was still felt so bad all the time. The medication zapped me of all my strength, made food and drinks taste bad and left me pretty blah all the time. I did my best though. But for some reason it wasn't good enough for him. Things continued on as they had, him not coming home, me sitting around on Saturday nights waiting for him to come home so we could spend time together, only to see another midnight come around and here I sat, all alone. But when he would come home, and when he was in a good mood, things were great. On the surface anyway. But I was constantly waiting for the other shoe to fall (and I still wait for it daily). It was (and is) a very stressful existence.

But I pushed through. I knew that the first year of marriage was the hardest. And ours was particularly bad due to my illness, so I thought things would change. Through it all, I maintained a very healthy relationship with God and relied on Him for everything. I was very angry that I had this disease, but I was thankful beyond measure that I still had my sight and that I had people around who loved me and wanted me around. Even if my husband didn't.

The only thing was, I never really dealt with it. I never really grieved about having the disease, or the way I was treated all through the rough times. I realize that now.

So, after I'd been back at work for a while, things seemed to settle down a little. Until late summer. Then L started changing. He had always been moody, and his moods could change with the breeze. I was used to that. But this was different. He was constantly angry. And he seemed to blame it all on me. Even things that I had nothing to do with (for example, he was tired because he worked 10 hour days and the factory didn't factor in that he had to drive an hour after he got to school so he often only got 4 hours of sleep on the nights he had school because he had to go in to work at 5am--this he blamed on me).

He watched a series of television shows and from this, he decided that he didn't believe in God anymore. He watched a movie about changing your perspectives on things... and somehow that translated to him telling me one night that I might as well be ready for him to "up and leave at any minute." All of this I took in, locking away because I didn't want to deal with it. Sure I'd tell my friends about it, and they'd tell me to leave, but I genuinely wanted to do everything I could to make it work, even though I knew, deep down, it wasn't going to. But when I got married, I got married for eternity, not for the forseeable future. So I knew, before any leaving decision could be made, I had to feel like I had done absolutely everything I could have done to make it work. So I waited for him to leave. I told him that if that's what he had to do, that I loved him enough to let him go. But apparently he changed his mind.

But his moods got worse (I know now, that this was when the daily pot smoking started. He'd smoke intermittently before, it became a daily thing then). In September, he quit his factory job because if he didn't he felt like he would end up shooting someone. Or driving his car through the building or something of the like. I don't begrudge him leaving that job. I know what that feels like. However, it was a little convient that I had just gotten promoted and was now able to almost bring home the same amount of money that we was bringing home from the factory. I didn't think about that at the time. Hindsight truly is 20/20. I told him that if he brought home the same amount I was making before I got promoted, that we'd be ok. Do you think that has happened? Um, no. I'm lucky if I get 200 every 2 weeks to help pay the bills. Luckily, my sister needed a place to live, so she, my neice and her dogs and flying squirrels moved in and the rent money from them keep us afloat. Anyway, his plan when he left the factory was to get a couple of part time jobs and focus on starting his own business. He cashed in his 401K and instead of saving it or using it to help finish remodeling the house, he bought camera equipment. He was going to start a video service. But instead, he got 3 part-time jobs. The money from one was strictly to put gas in his car and buy cigarettes.

So now comes Christmas. Since his mother had passed away, he hasn't liked Christmas. But this year he was almost rude about it. It was like since he no longer believed in God he didn't think anyone should either. Now, I know that my views might be a little different from a lot of peoples, but for the most part, I'm an extremely tolerant person. I love all people and I have friends from all walks of life. And never once have I tried to push my beliefs off on someone who wasn't interested in listening. I'm interested in learning about most all religions and denominations, and I truly enjoy a good conversation about religion. Some of my friends are athiest, and while I will never agree with them, they tend to make me question things, give me another way of looking at something and make me search for the answers--meaning more scripture study for me. Never a bad thing. Anyway. That was a bit off topic. L started at this point to get very 'in your face' when it came to religion. He made fun of people that were going to church and cussed everythime he heard any Christmas music. This was a spectacularly difficult time for me. I was travelling every month for work, which admittedly gave me some respite from the stress at home.

We spent New Year's apart. I went to my best friend's apartment and he had a gig (have I said at all that he is a musician?). Great way start a new year huh? I left town for work on the second of January. At 4am on the 3rd, I got a phone call from L's dad saying they were life flighting him to a hospital in Nasville for chest pains. Needless to say I didn't sleep much that night. I made it through that day fine, but I went to bed at like 8:30 because I was so exhausted. When I woke up on the morning of the 4th, I knew something wasn't right. I couldn't tell you what it was, I just knew something was off. Given the disease I have, my vision is my first concern usually. But it was fine. I went to check out of the hotel and I couldn't speak properly. I could barely sign my name. I called my mom and told her that something was wrong, but I didn't know what. My colleague and I went on and headed for the Starbucks. I was driving--which I had no business doing, but I didn't think anything was that wrong. As I said, my vision was fine. I was trying to talk to her, but I couldn't complete a thought. I had been able to talk to my mom fine, but it was getting worse. Almost to the intersection before Starbucks, I hit something. I had no idea I had done anything. It was like I was unconcious for a split second. I looked at my coworker and was like, what was that? She looked at me like I was bonkers and said I'd hit something. Just seconds before this happened, I had the thought that I was going to get to that intersection and let her drive. I knew it was worse. I just didn't make it that far. When we got to Starbucks, I couldn't even talk. My dad called me and I couldn't string 2 words together. She had to talk to him. My dad told her to take me to the hospital. We went on to the office to find the nearest, best hospital. Luckily it was a block away from the office. When I got into the emergency room, I couldn't say my name, I couldn't say my husband's name, I had to take out my ID and my insurance cards for them to even be able to check me in. The nurse was asking about my medications, but I couldn't say anything. My sister called just then, and I was able to hand the phone to the nurse and squeak out, "here, this is my sister, she knows." They took me back immediately and a neurologist examined me. He said I was having a stroke and they gave me that clot buster and started shoving asprin into me until I went through a barrage of tests, and they hooked me up to an IV of heparin. Keep in mind, I was supposed to be flying back home that afternoon. I had wrecked a rental car and I was in a strange hospital with no one. The doctor kept trying to call L, but I kept trying to tell him to leave him alone because his dad was having open heart surgery at that moment. The doc finally called my dad and he and my mom jumped in the car and headed to North Carolina. My sister fianlly got in touch wiht L and he came home, and he and my sister, brother-in-law and neice headed down about 2 hours later. Finally, one of the girls from the office there, came to sit with me until my family got there. I was in ICU for 2 days. When L got there, I finally cried. I haven't cried since. Anyway. He stayed with me that first night-I forced the nurse to let him stay in my room. After that, it was much like the first time in the hospital. My speach improved daily. It wasn't perfect by any means, but it was much better the next day even. When they finally moved me into a regular room, L was no where to be found. I had to call him and track him down... he was at some Japanese restaurant there in town and having dinner and some sake and "he'd be there in a little while." My parents were going to go get something to eat, but they didn't want to leave me alone. Finally, 2 hours later when he still hadn't shown up, I basically shoved them out of my room, so I could have some alone time. About 8pm that night, he finally showed up. He'd left around 12 or 1. Yes, I was laying in a hospital bed again... and he was anywhere but there. Luckily, I have a friend that lives about 4 hours from the hospital and she came up to see me and spend time with me.
So, they still have no idea why I had this massive stroke (the other one was a mini-stroke and wasn't severe and I didn't even have any symptoms other than messed up vision). They did find that I have a hole in the back of my heart which increases your risk. I also learned that the fact I have migraines with visual aura also increases your risk of early stroke. Put on top of that I'm overweight and have this other disease messing with my brain, it's no small wonder. I also am under intense pressure at work and live in an environment of constant tension at home. It is a miracle that I have no more issues than I do. The only lingering effects are some speech issues that most people don't even notice.
Ok, this is a book. Not to worry, I'm almost done.

Part Two....

OK, so more of the story....

I met L in October. He had to reevaluate his feelings for me in December. We got back together in January. By April we were engaged.
In those months, I lost a big chunk of myself. I turned into a meek sort of person rather than the strong, confident woman that I had been just a few months before. I lost my spunk. But I didn't realize this was a bad thing. I knew that you had to make some concessions when you were in a serious relationship and since we were planning our wedding and for our future, I sort of let myself fall by the wayside. I realize now, that I was catering to a person with a mental illness. L was on medication for either depression or anxiety when we met and at the beginning of our relationship. Somewhere between April 2005 and July 2006 when we were married, he decided to take himself off of the medication. No doctor's approval, nothing. Just decided that he didn't need it anymore. As I realize now, that a lot of people with mental illnesses do this.

So we bought a house in February. We got married in July. The week after we were married, my great aunt died. I was closer to this woman than I was to either of my grandmothers (one of which had passed away that March). Needless to say, I was extremely depressed. I lost interest in most things. I worked and came home. Our home life was not good. He was never around. He would not come home after work until well past midnight most nights. He went to school an hour away 2 nights a week, so we never spent a full week together. As a matter of fact, I was sleeping on the sofa at my parent's house 3 days after our wedding because he had to go to school and I wasn't yet comfortable sleeping in this big house by myself yet. He spent more times with his friends than he did with me. That's when I started to be really unhappy. I was finally able to work though the grief of my aunt's death, and I was getting back to that version of myself. Things were better for a short period of time. Then in late August or early September, we had gone to a classic car show and that night, I was watching a movie and realized that I couldn't turn my head. This turned into a month of excruciating pain. I couldn't sleep. The only position that was comfortable was on my hands and knees with my head almost on the floor. After being labled a druggie by my doctor, I went to a chiropractor, to no avail. Finally, in mid October, I woke up one day and it was like my eyes were crossed. I went on about my business thinking it would get better. The chiro said it was a disk in my neck pushing on a nerve in my skull, so other than the pain, I went on as usual. 3 days later, I was pretty much blind and my family pulled rank on my and took me to the ER. After writhing in pain in the ER for hours... and being tested for everything known to man, they finally called in a neurologist. Within minutes, he diagnosed me with a disease called pseudotumor cerbri.. which litterally means false brain tumor. My body was acting like I had a brain tumor, but there was no tumor present.



And so, there I was, partially blind and a newlywed. I was in the hospital for 4 days... spending my 26th birthday getting 5 different scans (MRIs, etc) and an unsuccessful spinal tap. It wasn't pretty. So when I was lying in the hospital, where do you think L was? Anywhere but the hospital. Granted, he did sleep in those awful chairs at night, but during the day, he was nowhere to be found. He even took FMLA time off work. And I don't doubt that he was tired after sleeping in that chair, but he pretty much did whatever he wanted to during the day. His friends would come to visit me, asking where he was... and I had no clue. Some of them still bring that up to me. Not to him of course, but they tell me how upset they were with him.

I was off work for 3 months. I had severe optic nerve damage and was still in pain for a good month after I left the hospital. Since the heat situation in our house is not good, my mom would come and pick me up on her lunch break and take me to her house. I stayed there on over into the night most nights, simply because L didn't want to come and pick me up. He worked at a factory and he got off at 3:30, yet the earliest I remember him picking me up was around 7 pm. Sometimes he would actually be at our house but wouldn't come get me. Eventually, after a few weeks, he told me that he didn't want to deal with me. And he couldn't stand the fact that I was always there at the house. What else was I supposed to do? I was pretty much blind. I couldn't read, I couldn't watch tv (though I could listen to it). My only entertainment was books on CD. My health decisions were left up to my parents and my sister. They are the ones that took me to the doctor appointments (which were every 2 weeks). L did manage to go to one, when I went to a specialist at Vanderbilt, but all he did during the appointment was sleep. No, I'm not kidding or making that up.

I finally regained most of my sight by Thanksgiving and I convinced the doctors that I wasn't going to have a shunt into my skull to drain the fluid. I was on a disgustingly high dose of medication that made me feel terrible all the time. Now, I know you guys what I'm talking about when I say that when you feel that bad, anything sexual is the farthest thing from your mind. No excuses for me... I really did have a headache all the time. And it's no wonder, my spinal fluid pressure was still much too high. This is when we started having more serious issues. L was talking about finding someone else to take care of his needs. Completely ignoring the fact that I have other needs that needed to be met at that point at my life. That happens a lot in this relationship.
Ok, this is longer than I intended. So it looks like this will be at least 2 more posts before I finish everything. I'll post the next part tomorrow.

My Story... Part One

Ok, so this is going to be a multi-post story. I have a lot of junk to work through, but if I don't talk about it, I am going to lose my mind. Unfortunately I can't afford therapy right now, so it's getting out via this blog.
I'm sure I'll forget things, and it will be extremely confusing, but I have to start dealing with all the things that I have been avoiding for entirely too long.

I'll spare you the details of my normal childhood and fairly normal teenage years. With the one exception that I have this thing called "approval addiction." I apologize a lot for things that are not my fault because I don't want people to be upset with me. That will play into the story at a later date. However, inspite of this approval addiction, I was never afraid to do what I wanted to do. I just always apologized later... even if I hadn't done anything wrong.

In high school I was involved in an abusive relationship. Nothing to talk about there. I was 15 and wanted to be liked. However, all that got me was my head bashed into a television and getting punched in the face on prom night.
But my sophomore I met this guy that I thought I was going to marry. Of course, it didn't turn out that way, but we dated off and on for 8 years. You know how Bella loves both Edward and Jacob... I somehow fell in love with 2 people. One was good for me and worshipped the ground I walked on. The other lit up my spirit like I can't even imagine. Two totally different personalities, yet they both appealed to me in ways that I can't describe. Ok, I'm getting off topic. Bottom line, one chose drugs over me and the other decided he wanted to marry someone else.
I was devestated. I was graduating college and I was alone. So, I left the country. Not totally to get away from everything, I was planning on moving to Ireland anyway. But I had to remove myself from all things familar so I could deal with everything and "regrow" my backbone. I lived in Ireland for 4 months in 2004. I loved every minute of it. To phrase the movie Sabrina, I found myself in Ireland. I thrived living there. But unfortunately my visa expired and I had to come back.
When I came home, I was ready to start the next phase of my life. I was ready to settle down, find a job (since you really can't get a job in my field right now), and find someone to settle down with.
The weekend I got back to the states, my friends threw me a welcome home party. All my friends were there. Some brought other friends to hang out.
That was the night I met the man I married. I wasn't interested at first. As I said, I knew at the time exactly what I wanted out of myself and out of the man that I ended up with. And upon first meeting, I was interested in someone else. About a week later, I was at my best friend's apartment dyeing her hair and our friend called to see if he and his friend could come hang out. Of course, we said. So, our friend, we'll call him B, brought his friend (same friend that came to my welcome home party) , we'll call him L. After the hair dying, we just hung out on my friend's front porch. We were dancing and that's the first time L kissed me. Out of the blue.
Long story short, we started dating 2 weeks later. Telling each other we loved each other in a matter of weeks. Had a huge fight over New Year's for a ridiculous reason. This was the first major red flag that I ignored. Because I had been drinking (shock is allowed here... I used to drink a lot!) and something that I did while intoxicated reminded L of his ex-wife. So he felt like he had to "re-evaluate" his feelings for me. So instead of saying, ok... we had some good times, see ya later... I latched on to him like a stick-tight (Dana knows what I'm talking about). Eventually I convinced him to give me another chance (note the approval addiction here, I really hadn't done anything wrong--I wasn't even drunk, I was just extremely talkative and apparently he didn't like what I was saying). But, since I had convinced myself that I loved him, I wanted to keep him. I know I was in love with him, but given that I had always been a force of nature (personality-wise) the fact that I was basically groveling at his feet should have tipped me off. This was not new backbone behavior.

Ok, I have to get to work now. I'll try to make it shorter next time!

Give and Take

Ok, so let's just get one thing straight, a marriage is a partnership right? And it is a relationship based on give and take. There are times when one must give more and take less and vice versa.

Do I have that right or have I been completely mislead for my entire life? Silly me. I thought that each person was supposed to be supportive of the other, not stealing the spirit away from them. I also thought that give and take meant that, as I said, it was somewhat equal. Not just one person doing all the giving and the other doing all the taking. Am I wrong? So what happens when the one who is doing all the taking says there is something wrong with the give and take in this relationship--meaning that this person thinks he's doing all the giving.

I know this is a little bizarre, but there is entirely too much to write much more of the story right now. And I'm entirely too ticked off to be very rational about it all.
Thanks for reading. I'm curious to see if you all agree with me... or if I've lost my mind. Which is entirely possible.

Frustrated, Incorporated

There is a song that came out sometime in the 90s called Misery. By the group Soul Asylum. There's a line in the chorus or the bridge (I can't remember which) that says "frustrated incorporated."
Isn't that a fantastic line? Going on in the song it says something about starting a factory to make misery. I feel like I'm in that factory now. Maybe not the CEO, but definitely a vice president.
Have you ever felt so frustrated that you just want to get away and never come back? Or crawl in a hole and never come out? So broken that you don't remember how to listen to the Father when He speaks? Or have those moments where you don't know if He is trying to talk to you? Or felt that you've completely misunderstood everything up to this point in your life and you're not sure how to go about fixing it? I'm so there.
I didn't intend to bum everyone out, but I am not in the best place these days. I'm sorry. Just ignore the ramblings of a depressed woman.

Endings...

An end to a beginning
a wilting flower waiting for rain.
A beginning for an end
No longer versed in pain.

Ok, that's not so great. I know. But I just wrote that on the fly.

I've been thinking about endings a lot lately. And then my nephew graduated from high school tonight, so that just help make it hit home. I feel so old! It seems like yesterday that my mom was shaking me from a dreamless sleep telling me we had to go to the hospital. Then this little man was brought into my life. We have had great times shopping together for Christmas and my attempts to teach him about music... and teaching to broaden his horizons. We had the same heartbreak after our junior year of high school and had the same shared joy of leaving those school doors for the last time as a student. We share the same sense of humor and he can make me laugh until my stomach aches. He wanted a Sham-wow for graduation and unfortunately I didn't see the info-mercial to order him one. He's a lovely child and I am so proud of him.

Now I have my own endings to contemplate. However, somehow it's going to as easy as walking down the line and accepting a diploma.

I have a disease called pseudotumor cerbri, which literally means false brain tumor. The medicine leaves me in a fog a lot of the time. I have had 2 strokes at the age of 27 and even though I have been doing very well since I left the hospital in January, there are some speech issues that are unresolved. I am doing very well in the speech department though. Most people aren't even able to tell that I had any issues at all. I am not happy, but my speech therapist discharged me on Tuesday since I was doing so well. I have some issues that I can see (or hear as the case may be) but there's nothing I can do about it except take a deep breath and calm down. Maybe thats just what I need to do.... take a breath and calm down. I want this to end. I don't want to have deal with any of this anymore. But I'm grateful for every day that God gives me. If I have learned anything in the course of all the beginnings and endings in my life is to give thanks for each and every moment. Because you never know.

Post-stroke poetry

Ok, for anyone who knows me, I used to write poetry... A LOT. After the stroke, I was afraid to try it again for fear that it ju'st wouldn't work anymore. There are so many things that the stroke affected, I was terrified that that would be taken away from me too. So, here are a couple of examples of the first post-stroke poetry. These were an "assignment" from my speech therapist.
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Please don't say "I love you" anymore,
I don't want to hear it.
Please don't say you want me.
I know it's not the truth.

I have sat and watched a month of
moonless nights pass me by.
Those clouds haunt my dreams.
Never a vision of the once starry sky.

Please don't say "don't cry"
as my tears start their journey to the sea.
Please don't say "it's going to be alright."
because you don't know.

Let me feel what I feel and let that be ok.
I'm finished looking through your mirror sideways.

------------------------------------------------------------
Blinding nothiness has consumed me
weakened my force of life
taken away my light
thrust me into a tunnel of dark
No fear there, in the dark
all scary cannot be seen
all the pain I want, all the pain I need.
no solace to be found there in the nothingness
going through the motions of living
missing out on life
chunks of it
slipping away.
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OK, so most of my poetry isn't this dark and depressing, but things aren't going that well for me in my personal life. More to come about that later. I'm just not sure I have enough words yet.

please forgive me for any misspellings or grammar errors. i don't always catch them since the stroke.