Well, it's a hectic couple of days in my life.
Thursday started out just like any other day, late to work--stupid traffic, craziness at work, etc. I got a phone call from L saying that he was going to the doctor early. He had an appointment later in the day, but he was having chest pains so he was going to go early. I didn't think much about it because he has had chest pains for about 4 years (usually stress or anxiety related). But this seemed to worry him because his head was stinging and his arm was tingling. So about lunch time I got a phone call saying they were admitting him to the hospital for observation. So, I left work and headed to the hospital. He was telling to stay at work and come on afterward, yeah right. No matter how confused I am about him right now, he is still my husband and I'll be darned if I'm going to let him sit in the hospital and me not be there.
On a rather funny note though, he's a weenie when it comes to needles! I mean, when I was in the hospital for the strokes, I was stuck like a pin cushion every 2 hours for 7 days and they only stuck him like 4 times the entire time and he whined every time. It's not funny really, but men will never cease to amaze me like that!
Anyway. They didn't find anything though the overnight obversation, but the doctor came in about 6:30 am and said it was time for another stress test. He had done one of those either shortly before or after we got married. So we headed to Nashville to Vanderbilt. Again, it appears that nothing is wrong with him. They did the acid reflux test and stuff this time. So that was something different.
I truly believe this is panic/stress related. He started having these types pains with an ex-girlfriend when he was frustrated with her, so that leads me to believe that he's not allowing himself to handle any stress in a productive way. Well, that and smoking 3 packs of cigarettes a day. Now, I'm not sure what to do about him all the way around, but call me crazy but chain smoking like that is one sure why to make yourself sick and make sure that you're not going to be around. I know he didn't ask to be put in the hospital, but I can't help but wonder if he didn't use this as some sort of "test" to see how I would act if he were in the hospital since everyone gave him such a hard time about the way he acted when I was in the hospital. He's changed so much outwardly anyway in such a short time, I can't help but be more than skeptical about him.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Friday, August 22, 2008
A bit of an update...
Ok, so I used that title on the fitness blog, but that's what's been going on in my life this week. If you've visited Dana's blog, you've seen the pictures of the week. It has been a wonderful week for me. A full week away from work, my husband, and responsibilities.
But here's the crux of the week before my vacation. Things with L had been ok for a few weeks, no huge issues had come up, but I was constantly on edge, waiting for the other shoe to fall--as it always has.
Let's start with the release of Breaking Dawn. I told him explicitly, most likely you're not going to exist until I'm finished reading this book. I've been waiting for this book for months, so just leave me alone while I read it through the first time. I doesn't ask for much, just leave me alone while I'm trying to read. First off, he was supposed to be spending the night with his dad, so I was home free to read at my leisure as long as I wanted; or so I thought. When I walked into the house, I knew he'd at least been home. But I thought maybe he'd forgotten something and left again. So I get ready for bed, and head up to our room, all jazzed, ready to crawl under the covers and read at least half the book.... but NO... he was there, sitting in the chair on his computer. Come home to surprise me. I was not happy. I wasn't mean or anything, but I wasn't going to be all lovey dovey or anything because I had plans to read. Apparently, he didn't take me seriously. So I put the book down and went to sleep. The next day, I told him, I will be reading all day. He gets home from work and what does he do? Bug me to death until I have to put the book down again. I was so frustrated. I told him exactly what it was going to be like... yet he seemed to completely ignore it. There again, I don't often ask for alone time, or to be left alone, but if there's something that is important to me, leave me alone until I'm finished. He didn't get it.
But he seemed to be ok. The next week was going to be rather hectic at work. I was having an associate from another office in and I was going to be working a lot. I told him this and he seemed to understand. Then on Wednesday, I told him that I would be working late because the lady was leaving the next day and we had a lot of stuff to get through. So, after work hours, myself, the lady from the other office and another coworker were in a meeting. We were at my coworker's desk, so I wasn't at my desk for over an hour. Apparently, L had been trying to call. When I got back to my desk, I checked my messages and I immediately called him back and answered the question he had left on my voicemail (he was supposed to be showing our house to some potential buyers). However, he was not. Because he had gotten suspicious when I didn't answer the phone, and decided to cancel the house appointment and drive over to my office and sit in the parking lot until I came out. Apparently he decided that I wasn't trustworthy. He had no reason to do this other than his extreme paranoia. I was LIVID. I'm sure he could seem the steam rolling out of my ears as I walked out of my office. How dare he accuse me of something, whatever it may be, when he knew very well where I was. And I have done nothing, NOTHING to justify this behavior.
We seemed to be ok after a heated discussion. Of course, I was on my guard and I was angry, but I was dealing with it. I was leaving for Utah on Friday, so it was not too bad. Then on Thursday, I got a call from him as I left work telling me that we "had some stuff to talk about." I couldn't fathom what he could have possibly gotten in his head that day. So, I was driving home, pondering what could have happened.... and then God put it in my head...he's read your old journals. And when I got home, that's what had happened. He had read all my old journals, looking for something incriminating. This of course turned into a huge argument while I was packing my clothes for Utah. He was slamming me for my past. Accusing me of anything and everything....simply because I'd said this guy was cute or that was hot. Good grief... nothing in those journal was new. I mean, I haven't kept a journal steadily for years. Most all of the things he was mad about all took place before I met him...before I even knew he existed. I fail to see why that kind of stuff should matter to him. I've told him all the big stuff. I'm sure I've left out some details that he must have enjoyed reading, but it was nothing new.
But how violated I still feel. Even though, after the knock down, drag out, he seemed to step outside of his own head and see what he'd been putting me through for the last 2 years, I cannot trust him anymore. Good grief. My bouts of depression. My inward reasons for escaping to Ireland... stuff that was between me, the journal and Heavenly Father.
After I left, and was in Utah, on Sunday, he seemed to have realized what he'd done. Telling me that he was going to change. That I was coming home to a changed man. That he was going to get on medication. Scared that he was going to lose me.
And this week, has been pretty good I must say. He did go on the medication. He decided that he believes in God again. It's been much more pleasant around here. However, I think I'm being a little cold. I don't mean to be. But I am still so angry at him. And after someone breaches the trust that you put in them, how are you supposed to rebuild that when they have turned into a needy person, needing to be around you most of the time. Grr! I need some space. But I can't get out this house. Anyone know someone looking to move to south central KY?
Sure, I went to Utah to get some space, but how could I do that when he called me every day? And I think it's going to take more than a week to figure this out....
But here's the crux of the week before my vacation. Things with L had been ok for a few weeks, no huge issues had come up, but I was constantly on edge, waiting for the other shoe to fall--as it always has.
Let's start with the release of Breaking Dawn. I told him explicitly, most likely you're not going to exist until I'm finished reading this book. I've been waiting for this book for months, so just leave me alone while I read it through the first time. I doesn't ask for much, just leave me alone while I'm trying to read. First off, he was supposed to be spending the night with his dad, so I was home free to read at my leisure as long as I wanted; or so I thought. When I walked into the house, I knew he'd at least been home. But I thought maybe he'd forgotten something and left again. So I get ready for bed, and head up to our room, all jazzed, ready to crawl under the covers and read at least half the book.... but NO... he was there, sitting in the chair on his computer. Come home to surprise me. I was not happy. I wasn't mean or anything, but I wasn't going to be all lovey dovey or anything because I had plans to read. Apparently, he didn't take me seriously. So I put the book down and went to sleep. The next day, I told him, I will be reading all day. He gets home from work and what does he do? Bug me to death until I have to put the book down again. I was so frustrated. I told him exactly what it was going to be like... yet he seemed to completely ignore it. There again, I don't often ask for alone time, or to be left alone, but if there's something that is important to me, leave me alone until I'm finished. He didn't get it.
But he seemed to be ok. The next week was going to be rather hectic at work. I was having an associate from another office in and I was going to be working a lot. I told him this and he seemed to understand. Then on Wednesday, I told him that I would be working late because the lady was leaving the next day and we had a lot of stuff to get through. So, after work hours, myself, the lady from the other office and another coworker were in a meeting. We were at my coworker's desk, so I wasn't at my desk for over an hour. Apparently, L had been trying to call. When I got back to my desk, I checked my messages and I immediately called him back and answered the question he had left on my voicemail (he was supposed to be showing our house to some potential buyers). However, he was not. Because he had gotten suspicious when I didn't answer the phone, and decided to cancel the house appointment and drive over to my office and sit in the parking lot until I came out. Apparently he decided that I wasn't trustworthy. He had no reason to do this other than his extreme paranoia. I was LIVID. I'm sure he could seem the steam rolling out of my ears as I walked out of my office. How dare he accuse me of something, whatever it may be, when he knew very well where I was. And I have done nothing, NOTHING to justify this behavior.
We seemed to be ok after a heated discussion. Of course, I was on my guard and I was angry, but I was dealing with it. I was leaving for Utah on Friday, so it was not too bad. Then on Thursday, I got a call from him as I left work telling me that we "had some stuff to talk about." I couldn't fathom what he could have possibly gotten in his head that day. So, I was driving home, pondering what could have happened.... and then God put it in my head...he's read your old journals. And when I got home, that's what had happened. He had read all my old journals, looking for something incriminating. This of course turned into a huge argument while I was packing my clothes for Utah. He was slamming me for my past. Accusing me of anything and everything....simply because I'd said this guy was cute or that was hot. Good grief... nothing in those journal was new. I mean, I haven't kept a journal steadily for years. Most all of the things he was mad about all took place before I met him...before I even knew he existed. I fail to see why that kind of stuff should matter to him. I've told him all the big stuff. I'm sure I've left out some details that he must have enjoyed reading, but it was nothing new.
But how violated I still feel. Even though, after the knock down, drag out, he seemed to step outside of his own head and see what he'd been putting me through for the last 2 years, I cannot trust him anymore. Good grief. My bouts of depression. My inward reasons for escaping to Ireland... stuff that was between me, the journal and Heavenly Father.
After I left, and was in Utah, on Sunday, he seemed to have realized what he'd done. Telling me that he was going to change. That I was coming home to a changed man. That he was going to get on medication. Scared that he was going to lose me.
And this week, has been pretty good I must say. He did go on the medication. He decided that he believes in God again. It's been much more pleasant around here. However, I think I'm being a little cold. I don't mean to be. But I am still so angry at him. And after someone breaches the trust that you put in them, how are you supposed to rebuild that when they have turned into a needy person, needing to be around you most of the time. Grr! I need some space. But I can't get out this house. Anyone know someone looking to move to south central KY?
Sure, I went to Utah to get some space, but how could I do that when he called me every day? And I think it's going to take more than a week to figure this out....
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