A bit of an update...

Ok, so I used that title on the fitness blog, but that's what's been going on in my life this week. If you've visited Dana's blog, you've seen the pictures of the week. It has been a wonderful week for me. A full week away from work, my husband, and responsibilities.


But here's the crux of the week before my vacation. Things with L had been ok for a few weeks, no huge issues had come up, but I was constantly on edge, waiting for the other shoe to fall--as it always has.


Let's start with the release of Breaking Dawn. I told him explicitly, most likely you're not going to exist until I'm finished reading this book. I've been waiting for this book for months, so just leave me alone while I read it through the first time. I doesn't ask for much, just leave me alone while I'm trying to read. First off, he was supposed to be spending the night with his dad, so I was home free to read at my leisure as long as I wanted; or so I thought. When I walked into the house, I knew he'd at least been home. But I thought maybe he'd forgotten something and left again. So I get ready for bed, and head up to our room, all jazzed, ready to crawl under the covers and read at least half the book.... but NO... he was there, sitting in the chair on his computer. Come home to surprise me. I was not happy. I wasn't mean or anything, but I wasn't going to be all lovey dovey or anything because I had plans to read. Apparently, he didn't take me seriously. So I put the book down and went to sleep. The next day, I told him, I will be reading all day. He gets home from work and what does he do? Bug me to death until I have to put the book down again. I was so frustrated. I told him exactly what it was going to be like... yet he seemed to completely ignore it. There again, I don't often ask for alone time, or to be left alone, but if there's something that is important to me, leave me alone until I'm finished. He didn't get it.

But he seemed to be ok. The next week was going to be rather hectic at work. I was having an associate from another office in and I was going to be working a lot. I told him this and he seemed to understand. Then on Wednesday, I told him that I would be working late because the lady was leaving the next day and we had a lot of stuff to get through. So, after work hours, myself, the lady from the other office and another coworker were in a meeting. We were at my coworker's desk, so I wasn't at my desk for over an hour. Apparently, L had been trying to call. When I got back to my desk, I checked my messages and I immediately called him back and answered the question he had left on my voicemail (he was supposed to be showing our house to some potential buyers). However, he was not. Because he had gotten suspicious when I didn't answer the phone, and decided to cancel the house appointment and drive over to my office and sit in the parking lot until I came out. Apparently he decided that I wasn't trustworthy. He had no reason to do this other than his extreme paranoia. I was LIVID. I'm sure he could seem the steam rolling out of my ears as I walked out of my office. How dare he accuse me of something, whatever it may be, when he knew very well where I was. And I have done nothing, NOTHING to justify this behavior.
We seemed to be ok after a heated discussion. Of course, I was on my guard and I was angry, but I was dealing with it. I was leaving for Utah on Friday, so it was not too bad. Then on Thursday, I got a call from him as I left work telling me that we "had some stuff to talk about." I couldn't fathom what he could have possibly gotten in his head that day. So, I was driving home, pondering what could have happened.... and then God put it in my head...he's read your old journals. And when I got home, that's what had happened. He had read all my old journals, looking for something incriminating. This of course turned into a huge argument while I was packing my clothes for Utah. He was slamming me for my past. Accusing me of anything and everything....simply because I'd said this guy was cute or that was hot. Good grief... nothing in those journal was new. I mean, I haven't kept a journal steadily for years. Most all of the things he was mad about all took place before I met him...before I even knew he existed. I fail to see why that kind of stuff should matter to him. I've told him all the big stuff. I'm sure I've left out some details that he must have enjoyed reading, but it was nothing new.
But how violated I still feel. Even though, after the knock down, drag out, he seemed to step outside of his own head and see what he'd been putting me through for the last 2 years, I cannot trust him anymore. Good grief. My bouts of depression. My inward reasons for escaping to Ireland... stuff that was between me, the journal and Heavenly Father.
After I left, and was in Utah, on Sunday, he seemed to have realized what he'd done. Telling me that he was going to change. That I was coming home to a changed man. That he was going to get on medication. Scared that he was going to lose me.
And this week, has been pretty good I must say. He did go on the medication. He decided that he believes in God again. It's been much more pleasant around here. However, I think I'm being a little cold. I don't mean to be. But I am still so angry at him. And after someone breaches the trust that you put in them, how are you supposed to rebuild that when they have turned into a needy person, needing to be around you most of the time. Grr! I need some space. But I can't get out this house. Anyone know someone looking to move to south central KY?
Sure, I went to Utah to get some space, but how could I do that when he called me every day? And I think it's going to take more than a week to figure this out....