Part Three

Ok, so where was I? Oh yes, out of the hospital, and such. I was off work for 3 months and was finally released to go back in January. And it wasn't a moment too soon. I was so bored sitting at home (especially since we only had one television channel! and I could stand to read for long periods of time). So, it was back to work I went.
I tried to get as back to normal as I could. L seemed to be drifting further and further away from me. I tried my best to get back to being me then. However, I was still felt so bad all the time. The medication zapped me of all my strength, made food and drinks taste bad and left me pretty blah all the time. I did my best though. But for some reason it wasn't good enough for him. Things continued on as they had, him not coming home, me sitting around on Saturday nights waiting for him to come home so we could spend time together, only to see another midnight come around and here I sat, all alone. But when he would come home, and when he was in a good mood, things were great. On the surface anyway. But I was constantly waiting for the other shoe to fall (and I still wait for it daily). It was (and is) a very stressful existence.

But I pushed through. I knew that the first year of marriage was the hardest. And ours was particularly bad due to my illness, so I thought things would change. Through it all, I maintained a very healthy relationship with God and relied on Him for everything. I was very angry that I had this disease, but I was thankful beyond measure that I still had my sight and that I had people around who loved me and wanted me around. Even if my husband didn't.

The only thing was, I never really dealt with it. I never really grieved about having the disease, or the way I was treated all through the rough times. I realize that now.

So, after I'd been back at work for a while, things seemed to settle down a little. Until late summer. Then L started changing. He had always been moody, and his moods could change with the breeze. I was used to that. But this was different. He was constantly angry. And he seemed to blame it all on me. Even things that I had nothing to do with (for example, he was tired because he worked 10 hour days and the factory didn't factor in that he had to drive an hour after he got to school so he often only got 4 hours of sleep on the nights he had school because he had to go in to work at 5am--this he blamed on me).

He watched a series of television shows and from this, he decided that he didn't believe in God anymore. He watched a movie about changing your perspectives on things... and somehow that translated to him telling me one night that I might as well be ready for him to "up and leave at any minute." All of this I took in, locking away because I didn't want to deal with it. Sure I'd tell my friends about it, and they'd tell me to leave, but I genuinely wanted to do everything I could to make it work, even though I knew, deep down, it wasn't going to. But when I got married, I got married for eternity, not for the forseeable future. So I knew, before any leaving decision could be made, I had to feel like I had done absolutely everything I could have done to make it work. So I waited for him to leave. I told him that if that's what he had to do, that I loved him enough to let him go. But apparently he changed his mind.

But his moods got worse (I know now, that this was when the daily pot smoking started. He'd smoke intermittently before, it became a daily thing then). In September, he quit his factory job because if he didn't he felt like he would end up shooting someone. Or driving his car through the building or something of the like. I don't begrudge him leaving that job. I know what that feels like. However, it was a little convient that I had just gotten promoted and was now able to almost bring home the same amount of money that we was bringing home from the factory. I didn't think about that at the time. Hindsight truly is 20/20. I told him that if he brought home the same amount I was making before I got promoted, that we'd be ok. Do you think that has happened? Um, no. I'm lucky if I get 200 every 2 weeks to help pay the bills. Luckily, my sister needed a place to live, so she, my neice and her dogs and flying squirrels moved in and the rent money from them keep us afloat. Anyway, his plan when he left the factory was to get a couple of part time jobs and focus on starting his own business. He cashed in his 401K and instead of saving it or using it to help finish remodeling the house, he bought camera equipment. He was going to start a video service. But instead, he got 3 part-time jobs. The money from one was strictly to put gas in his car and buy cigarettes.

So now comes Christmas. Since his mother had passed away, he hasn't liked Christmas. But this year he was almost rude about it. It was like since he no longer believed in God he didn't think anyone should either. Now, I know that my views might be a little different from a lot of peoples, but for the most part, I'm an extremely tolerant person. I love all people and I have friends from all walks of life. And never once have I tried to push my beliefs off on someone who wasn't interested in listening. I'm interested in learning about most all religions and denominations, and I truly enjoy a good conversation about religion. Some of my friends are athiest, and while I will never agree with them, they tend to make me question things, give me another way of looking at something and make me search for the answers--meaning more scripture study for me. Never a bad thing. Anyway. That was a bit off topic. L started at this point to get very 'in your face' when it came to religion. He made fun of people that were going to church and cussed everythime he heard any Christmas music. This was a spectacularly difficult time for me. I was travelling every month for work, which admittedly gave me some respite from the stress at home.

We spent New Year's apart. I went to my best friend's apartment and he had a gig (have I said at all that he is a musician?). Great way start a new year huh? I left town for work on the second of January. At 4am on the 3rd, I got a phone call from L's dad saying they were life flighting him to a hospital in Nasville for chest pains. Needless to say I didn't sleep much that night. I made it through that day fine, but I went to bed at like 8:30 because I was so exhausted. When I woke up on the morning of the 4th, I knew something wasn't right. I couldn't tell you what it was, I just knew something was off. Given the disease I have, my vision is my first concern usually. But it was fine. I went to check out of the hotel and I couldn't speak properly. I could barely sign my name. I called my mom and told her that something was wrong, but I didn't know what. My colleague and I went on and headed for the Starbucks. I was driving--which I had no business doing, but I didn't think anything was that wrong. As I said, my vision was fine. I was trying to talk to her, but I couldn't complete a thought. I had been able to talk to my mom fine, but it was getting worse. Almost to the intersection before Starbucks, I hit something. I had no idea I had done anything. It was like I was unconcious for a split second. I looked at my coworker and was like, what was that? She looked at me like I was bonkers and said I'd hit something. Just seconds before this happened, I had the thought that I was going to get to that intersection and let her drive. I knew it was worse. I just didn't make it that far. When we got to Starbucks, I couldn't even talk. My dad called me and I couldn't string 2 words together. She had to talk to him. My dad told her to take me to the hospital. We went on to the office to find the nearest, best hospital. Luckily it was a block away from the office. When I got into the emergency room, I couldn't say my name, I couldn't say my husband's name, I had to take out my ID and my insurance cards for them to even be able to check me in. The nurse was asking about my medications, but I couldn't say anything. My sister called just then, and I was able to hand the phone to the nurse and squeak out, "here, this is my sister, she knows." They took me back immediately and a neurologist examined me. He said I was having a stroke and they gave me that clot buster and started shoving asprin into me until I went through a barrage of tests, and they hooked me up to an IV of heparin. Keep in mind, I was supposed to be flying back home that afternoon. I had wrecked a rental car and I was in a strange hospital with no one. The doctor kept trying to call L, but I kept trying to tell him to leave him alone because his dad was having open heart surgery at that moment. The doc finally called my dad and he and my mom jumped in the car and headed to North Carolina. My sister fianlly got in touch wiht L and he came home, and he and my sister, brother-in-law and neice headed down about 2 hours later. Finally, one of the girls from the office there, came to sit with me until my family got there. I was in ICU for 2 days. When L got there, I finally cried. I haven't cried since. Anyway. He stayed with me that first night-I forced the nurse to let him stay in my room. After that, it was much like the first time in the hospital. My speach improved daily. It wasn't perfect by any means, but it was much better the next day even. When they finally moved me into a regular room, L was no where to be found. I had to call him and track him down... he was at some Japanese restaurant there in town and having dinner and some sake and "he'd be there in a little while." My parents were going to go get something to eat, but they didn't want to leave me alone. Finally, 2 hours later when he still hadn't shown up, I basically shoved them out of my room, so I could have some alone time. About 8pm that night, he finally showed up. He'd left around 12 or 1. Yes, I was laying in a hospital bed again... and he was anywhere but there. Luckily, I have a friend that lives about 4 hours from the hospital and she came up to see me and spend time with me.
So, they still have no idea why I had this massive stroke (the other one was a mini-stroke and wasn't severe and I didn't even have any symptoms other than messed up vision). They did find that I have a hole in the back of my heart which increases your risk. I also learned that the fact I have migraines with visual aura also increases your risk of early stroke. Put on top of that I'm overweight and have this other disease messing with my brain, it's no small wonder. I also am under intense pressure at work and live in an environment of constant tension at home. It is a miracle that I have no more issues than I do. The only lingering effects are some speech issues that most people don't even notice.
Ok, this is a book. Not to worry, I'm almost done.