I checked Stephenie Meyer's website and someone illegally posted a partial draft of Midnight Sun on the internet and so it is now ON HOLD INDEFINITELY!
She posted a partial draft herself and I read it yesterday and like I already thought just from reading the first chapter... it is to be a truly good book. And will give such insight into Edward's side of the story... If we ever get to read it all!
On a good note... my Harry Potter collection is complete. My staff at work loves me! One of the girls on my team knew that I was looking for hardback copies of the first 3 books. But I just haven't had the extra money to spend on buying them retail. She goes to a shop close to work at least once a week and lo and behold last week, someone sold off their entire collection and she snapped up the first 3 for me and had them hold them for me (at a deeply discounted price!)! How awesome is that! I wasn't sure I was going to be a good supervisor, but maybe I'm doing something right?
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Saturday, August 30, 2008
The last 2 days...
Well, it's a hectic couple of days in my life.
Thursday started out just like any other day, late to work--stupid traffic, craziness at work, etc. I got a phone call from L saying that he was going to the doctor early. He had an appointment later in the day, but he was having chest pains so he was going to go early. I didn't think much about it because he has had chest pains for about 4 years (usually stress or anxiety related). But this seemed to worry him because his head was stinging and his arm was tingling. So about lunch time I got a phone call saying they were admitting him to the hospital for observation. So, I left work and headed to the hospital. He was telling to stay at work and come on afterward, yeah right. No matter how confused I am about him right now, he is still my husband and I'll be darned if I'm going to let him sit in the hospital and me not be there.
On a rather funny note though, he's a weenie when it comes to needles! I mean, when I was in the hospital for the strokes, I was stuck like a pin cushion every 2 hours for 7 days and they only stuck him like 4 times the entire time and he whined every time. It's not funny really, but men will never cease to amaze me like that!
Anyway. They didn't find anything though the overnight obversation, but the doctor came in about 6:30 am and said it was time for another stress test. He had done one of those either shortly before or after we got married. So we headed to Nashville to Vanderbilt. Again, it appears that nothing is wrong with him. They did the acid reflux test and stuff this time. So that was something different.
I truly believe this is panic/stress related. He started having these types pains with an ex-girlfriend when he was frustrated with her, so that leads me to believe that he's not allowing himself to handle any stress in a productive way. Well, that and smoking 3 packs of cigarettes a day. Now, I'm not sure what to do about him all the way around, but call me crazy but chain smoking like that is one sure why to make yourself sick and make sure that you're not going to be around. I know he didn't ask to be put in the hospital, but I can't help but wonder if he didn't use this as some sort of "test" to see how I would act if he were in the hospital since everyone gave him such a hard time about the way he acted when I was in the hospital. He's changed so much outwardly anyway in such a short time, I can't help but be more than skeptical about him.
Thursday started out just like any other day, late to work--stupid traffic, craziness at work, etc. I got a phone call from L saying that he was going to the doctor early. He had an appointment later in the day, but he was having chest pains so he was going to go early. I didn't think much about it because he has had chest pains for about 4 years (usually stress or anxiety related). But this seemed to worry him because his head was stinging and his arm was tingling. So about lunch time I got a phone call saying they were admitting him to the hospital for observation. So, I left work and headed to the hospital. He was telling to stay at work and come on afterward, yeah right. No matter how confused I am about him right now, he is still my husband and I'll be darned if I'm going to let him sit in the hospital and me not be there.
On a rather funny note though, he's a weenie when it comes to needles! I mean, when I was in the hospital for the strokes, I was stuck like a pin cushion every 2 hours for 7 days and they only stuck him like 4 times the entire time and he whined every time. It's not funny really, but men will never cease to amaze me like that!
Anyway. They didn't find anything though the overnight obversation, but the doctor came in about 6:30 am and said it was time for another stress test. He had done one of those either shortly before or after we got married. So we headed to Nashville to Vanderbilt. Again, it appears that nothing is wrong with him. They did the acid reflux test and stuff this time. So that was something different.
I truly believe this is panic/stress related. He started having these types pains with an ex-girlfriend when he was frustrated with her, so that leads me to believe that he's not allowing himself to handle any stress in a productive way. Well, that and smoking 3 packs of cigarettes a day. Now, I'm not sure what to do about him all the way around, but call me crazy but chain smoking like that is one sure why to make yourself sick and make sure that you're not going to be around. I know he didn't ask to be put in the hospital, but I can't help but wonder if he didn't use this as some sort of "test" to see how I would act if he were in the hospital since everyone gave him such a hard time about the way he acted when I was in the hospital. He's changed so much outwardly anyway in such a short time, I can't help but be more than skeptical about him.
Friday, August 22, 2008
A bit of an update...
Ok, so I used that title on the fitness blog, but that's what's been going on in my life this week. If you've visited Dana's blog, you've seen the pictures of the week. It has been a wonderful week for me. A full week away from work, my husband, and responsibilities.
But here's the crux of the week before my vacation. Things with L had been ok for a few weeks, no huge issues had come up, but I was constantly on edge, waiting for the other shoe to fall--as it always has.
Let's start with the release of Breaking Dawn. I told him explicitly, most likely you're not going to exist until I'm finished reading this book. I've been waiting for this book for months, so just leave me alone while I read it through the first time. I doesn't ask for much, just leave me alone while I'm trying to read. First off, he was supposed to be spending the night with his dad, so I was home free to read at my leisure as long as I wanted; or so I thought. When I walked into the house, I knew he'd at least been home. But I thought maybe he'd forgotten something and left again. So I get ready for bed, and head up to our room, all jazzed, ready to crawl under the covers and read at least half the book.... but NO... he was there, sitting in the chair on his computer. Come home to surprise me. I was not happy. I wasn't mean or anything, but I wasn't going to be all lovey dovey or anything because I had plans to read. Apparently, he didn't take me seriously. So I put the book down and went to sleep. The next day, I told him, I will be reading all day. He gets home from work and what does he do? Bug me to death until I have to put the book down again. I was so frustrated. I told him exactly what it was going to be like... yet he seemed to completely ignore it. There again, I don't often ask for alone time, or to be left alone, but if there's something that is important to me, leave me alone until I'm finished. He didn't get it.
But he seemed to be ok. The next week was going to be rather hectic at work. I was having an associate from another office in and I was going to be working a lot. I told him this and he seemed to understand. Then on Wednesday, I told him that I would be working late because the lady was leaving the next day and we had a lot of stuff to get through. So, after work hours, myself, the lady from the other office and another coworker were in a meeting. We were at my coworker's desk, so I wasn't at my desk for over an hour. Apparently, L had been trying to call. When I got back to my desk, I checked my messages and I immediately called him back and answered the question he had left on my voicemail (he was supposed to be showing our house to some potential buyers). However, he was not. Because he had gotten suspicious when I didn't answer the phone, and decided to cancel the house appointment and drive over to my office and sit in the parking lot until I came out. Apparently he decided that I wasn't trustworthy. He had no reason to do this other than his extreme paranoia. I was LIVID. I'm sure he could seem the steam rolling out of my ears as I walked out of my office. How dare he accuse me of something, whatever it may be, when he knew very well where I was. And I have done nothing, NOTHING to justify this behavior.
We seemed to be ok after a heated discussion. Of course, I was on my guard and I was angry, but I was dealing with it. I was leaving for Utah on Friday, so it was not too bad. Then on Thursday, I got a call from him as I left work telling me that we "had some stuff to talk about." I couldn't fathom what he could have possibly gotten in his head that day. So, I was driving home, pondering what could have happened.... and then God put it in my head...he's read your old journals. And when I got home, that's what had happened. He had read all my old journals, looking for something incriminating. This of course turned into a huge argument while I was packing my clothes for Utah. He was slamming me for my past. Accusing me of anything and everything....simply because I'd said this guy was cute or that was hot. Good grief... nothing in those journal was new. I mean, I haven't kept a journal steadily for years. Most all of the things he was mad about all took place before I met him...before I even knew he existed. I fail to see why that kind of stuff should matter to him. I've told him all the big stuff. I'm sure I've left out some details that he must have enjoyed reading, but it was nothing new.
But how violated I still feel. Even though, after the knock down, drag out, he seemed to step outside of his own head and see what he'd been putting me through for the last 2 years, I cannot trust him anymore. Good grief. My bouts of depression. My inward reasons for escaping to Ireland... stuff that was between me, the journal and Heavenly Father.
After I left, and was in Utah, on Sunday, he seemed to have realized what he'd done. Telling me that he was going to change. That I was coming home to a changed man. That he was going to get on medication. Scared that he was going to lose me.
And this week, has been pretty good I must say. He did go on the medication. He decided that he believes in God again. It's been much more pleasant around here. However, I think I'm being a little cold. I don't mean to be. But I am still so angry at him. And after someone breaches the trust that you put in them, how are you supposed to rebuild that when they have turned into a needy person, needing to be around you most of the time. Grr! I need some space. But I can't get out this house. Anyone know someone looking to move to south central KY?
Sure, I went to Utah to get some space, but how could I do that when he called me every day? And I think it's going to take more than a week to figure this out....
But here's the crux of the week before my vacation. Things with L had been ok for a few weeks, no huge issues had come up, but I was constantly on edge, waiting for the other shoe to fall--as it always has.
Let's start with the release of Breaking Dawn. I told him explicitly, most likely you're not going to exist until I'm finished reading this book. I've been waiting for this book for months, so just leave me alone while I read it through the first time. I doesn't ask for much, just leave me alone while I'm trying to read. First off, he was supposed to be spending the night with his dad, so I was home free to read at my leisure as long as I wanted; or so I thought. When I walked into the house, I knew he'd at least been home. But I thought maybe he'd forgotten something and left again. So I get ready for bed, and head up to our room, all jazzed, ready to crawl under the covers and read at least half the book.... but NO... he was there, sitting in the chair on his computer. Come home to surprise me. I was not happy. I wasn't mean or anything, but I wasn't going to be all lovey dovey or anything because I had plans to read. Apparently, he didn't take me seriously. So I put the book down and went to sleep. The next day, I told him, I will be reading all day. He gets home from work and what does he do? Bug me to death until I have to put the book down again. I was so frustrated. I told him exactly what it was going to be like... yet he seemed to completely ignore it. There again, I don't often ask for alone time, or to be left alone, but if there's something that is important to me, leave me alone until I'm finished. He didn't get it.
But he seemed to be ok. The next week was going to be rather hectic at work. I was having an associate from another office in and I was going to be working a lot. I told him this and he seemed to understand. Then on Wednesday, I told him that I would be working late because the lady was leaving the next day and we had a lot of stuff to get through. So, after work hours, myself, the lady from the other office and another coworker were in a meeting. We were at my coworker's desk, so I wasn't at my desk for over an hour. Apparently, L had been trying to call. When I got back to my desk, I checked my messages and I immediately called him back and answered the question he had left on my voicemail (he was supposed to be showing our house to some potential buyers). However, he was not. Because he had gotten suspicious when I didn't answer the phone, and decided to cancel the house appointment and drive over to my office and sit in the parking lot until I came out. Apparently he decided that I wasn't trustworthy. He had no reason to do this other than his extreme paranoia. I was LIVID. I'm sure he could seem the steam rolling out of my ears as I walked out of my office. How dare he accuse me of something, whatever it may be, when he knew very well where I was. And I have done nothing, NOTHING to justify this behavior.
We seemed to be ok after a heated discussion. Of course, I was on my guard and I was angry, but I was dealing with it. I was leaving for Utah on Friday, so it was not too bad. Then on Thursday, I got a call from him as I left work telling me that we "had some stuff to talk about." I couldn't fathom what he could have possibly gotten in his head that day. So, I was driving home, pondering what could have happened.... and then God put it in my head...he's read your old journals. And when I got home, that's what had happened. He had read all my old journals, looking for something incriminating. This of course turned into a huge argument while I was packing my clothes for Utah. He was slamming me for my past. Accusing me of anything and everything....simply because I'd said this guy was cute or that was hot. Good grief... nothing in those journal was new. I mean, I haven't kept a journal steadily for years. Most all of the things he was mad about all took place before I met him...before I even knew he existed. I fail to see why that kind of stuff should matter to him. I've told him all the big stuff. I'm sure I've left out some details that he must have enjoyed reading, but it was nothing new.
But how violated I still feel. Even though, after the knock down, drag out, he seemed to step outside of his own head and see what he'd been putting me through for the last 2 years, I cannot trust him anymore. Good grief. My bouts of depression. My inward reasons for escaping to Ireland... stuff that was between me, the journal and Heavenly Father.
After I left, and was in Utah, on Sunday, he seemed to have realized what he'd done. Telling me that he was going to change. That I was coming home to a changed man. That he was going to get on medication. Scared that he was going to lose me.
And this week, has been pretty good I must say. He did go on the medication. He decided that he believes in God again. It's been much more pleasant around here. However, I think I'm being a little cold. I don't mean to be. But I am still so angry at him. And after someone breaches the trust that you put in them, how are you supposed to rebuild that when they have turned into a needy person, needing to be around you most of the time. Grr! I need some space. But I can't get out this house. Anyone know someone looking to move to south central KY?
Sure, I went to Utah to get some space, but how could I do that when he called me every day? And I think it's going to take more than a week to figure this out....
Thursday, July 31, 2008
One more day.....
Emmaly's shirt 
my shirt
Ok, so here are the pictures of the shirts that I've made for my neice and myself...
OK, so my sister did most of the work because since the stroke I'm not steady enough to get the letters straight, but I did all the ironing! :-) The pictures don't do the sparkle justice though! Just one more day!
ps: I know the skull on Em's shirt doesn't fit with the theme so much... but she digs them and I love that kid more than anything, so I added that as a surprise for her!
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Breaking Dawn quote of the day 7/16/08
Bella: "Jasper? What do vampires do for bachelor parties? You're not taking him to a strip club, are you?"Bella: "Jasper? What do vampires do for bachelor parties? You're not taking him to a strip club, are you?"
HAHAHAHAHA!!!!! This made me laugh out loud and I just had to share!!! Love to you all!
HAHAHAHAHA!!!!! This made me laugh out loud and I just had to share!!! Love to you all!
I'm It.... thanks Liz!
OK, so Liz got me...
Here are the rules: link back to the person who tagged you, post these rules on your blog, Share six unimportant things about yourself and tag six random people at the end of your entry. Let the people you tagged them by leaving a comment on their blogs. Enjoy the results!
1. I hate to cook. I detest it. The thought of spending hours in the kitchen makes me nauseous. But I must say, I don't know how to make anything other than a darn good turkey burger and fantabulous spaghetti, so that could have something to do with the distaste.
2. There are only 2 books in my life that I haven't finished after I've started them. One was the Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad and I don't remember the other one, I have done my best to block that from my memory... so I'm not going to dredge it up out of the depths of my mind. Otherwise, I'm a bit of a book junkie.
3. I'm obsessed with all things Celtic. Music, history, culture.... you name it, I love it. I didn't chose to live in Ireland for nothing.
4. I believe in love in love at first sight.
5. I want to live near the beach.
6. My favorite song of all time is "Wish You Were Here" by Pink Floyd.
Geez that was rough. Unfortunately, I don't have any blog friends that haven't been tagged yet, so I guess I drop the ball here.
On a personal note.... I am still trying to find the words for the final part of my story.... I can't figure out what to say.
Here are the rules: link back to the person who tagged you, post these rules on your blog, Share six unimportant things about yourself and tag six random people at the end of your entry. Let the people you tagged them by leaving a comment on their blogs. Enjoy the results!
1. I hate to cook. I detest it. The thought of spending hours in the kitchen makes me nauseous. But I must say, I don't know how to make anything other than a darn good turkey burger and fantabulous spaghetti, so that could have something to do with the distaste.
2. There are only 2 books in my life that I haven't finished after I've started them. One was the Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad and I don't remember the other one, I have done my best to block that from my memory... so I'm not going to dredge it up out of the depths of my mind. Otherwise, I'm a bit of a book junkie.
3. I'm obsessed with all things Celtic. Music, history, culture.... you name it, I love it. I didn't chose to live in Ireland for nothing.
4. I believe in love in love at first sight.
5. I want to live near the beach.
6. My favorite song of all time is "Wish You Were Here" by Pink Floyd.
Geez that was rough. Unfortunately, I don't have any blog friends that haven't been tagged yet, so I guess I drop the ball here.
On a personal note.... I am still trying to find the words for the final part of my story.... I can't figure out what to say.
Saturday, July 5, 2008
Part 4.... 2008
OK, this should be the last one.
This year started out with quite a bang. L's dad having open heart surgery and me having a stroke. Me stuck in the hospital in North Carolina and often having no idea where L was. Getting back home, to be off work for about a month and a half. This was rather detrimental for work, we were in the midst of a development transition since my company had aquired another business and I had gotten promoted to the supervisor over the accounts payable for this entity. Not the time for me to be having a serious illness. But I couldn't very well talk on the phone when I couldn't figure out how to say the simpliest of words. But I was back in the swing of things in about a month and a half. Which for a person like me, who is a BIG believer in avoidance, it was perfect. I was able to throw myself into work and not have to deal with the issues at home.
It was early in the year when L started getting even weirder. He was very paranoid of everything. He had abandoned his starting his own business idea. He started reading odd stuff and coming up with random ideas--such as the government was out to get him because he'd "woken up" to the "truth." What truth he's referring to, I'm not sure. He had always been a little freaked out about the whole world ending in 2012 thing, but this was getting ridiculous. But I'm getting ahead of myself. We had been having problems from the time I had gotten home from North Carolina. And I had almost had enough. As a matter of fact, I had actually gone out with friends one night not wearing my wedding ring (something that I never do). I wasn't out trolling for men, but I was just tired of being the married single woman, you know. Anyway. I believe it was Good Friday that this explosion happened. Dana was at the house just hanging out, burning some cds when he got home. Apparently L had tried to call me, but since we have no service in our house, I didn't get the call. I had gotten a call earlier from a number that I didn't know, so I didn't answer it. When he walked through the door, he was pissed. You could just see it on his face. He had already accused me of cheating on him one day a couple of weeks prior because he didn't see the vehicle I was driving at the time parked in front of the house (but it was there... I was dead asleep when he got upstairs). So when he saw Dana's car in front of the house and my car no where to be found(my car was around the back of the house), he was livid all over again... because he was already mad that I hadn't answered his call (which remember I didn't recieve). He came in and basically showed himself in front of Dana, I tried to apologize for missing the call (I thought maybe he'd called me from someone else's phone and that was the number I'd ignored). He was having none of it. He took a shower and then left. I had made plans with to go out with some friends that night, so I went and picked up my friend, B (mentioned in part 1, the guy that introduced us) and we went to my friend's apartment in Tennessee. We went to Nashville to hear some music. After we'd been out for a while, I started getting text messages. At first, they were flirty. Then they stopped. About a half hour later, he was blowing up my phone asking where I was. I told him. He was pissed. Especially when I told him I was with B. Apparently, he thought I was sitting home alone (like I usually do when he's out with his friends) so he thought he'd come home and 'have his way with me' as he put it. And when I wasn't there, he was livid. He told me that I'd better get home now. Against my better judgement, I had my friends leave and came home. He told me that I'd better be driving myself home...alone. Meaning that I had to leave B at our friend's apartment. By the time I got home, I was the livid one. I walked in the door and said something to the effect of 'just because you don't believe in fidelity doesn't mean that I don't. I have never cheated on a boyfriend in my life, much less my husband.' This was followed by some retarted story about B hitting on another guy's girl or something... to which I responded, I can take care of myself. If B tries to put the moves on me, I can put an end to that quickly. But he would never do that to me, B was the best man at our wedding for pete's sake. I was like, I couldn't care less if you trust B or not, but you'd damn well better trust me. Finally, after talking till 6 am, he was satisfied but I was more discontent than ever.
Then in April he started talking about the world coming to an end... we'd all be fighting for every bite we had, women would be turned into baby making machines for the government for soldiers, etc. He told me that we had to start stockpiling food for such an event. Now, I'm all for having an emergency kit, but he was talking crazy (I mean, food storage gone berzerk). He's talking about this one morning before work and I said, there's not going to be a natural disaster of that magnatude any time soon. To this he says, I'm going to divorce you if you don't stop talking like that. Excuse me. Just because I have the capacity to think rationally, you're going to divorce me?
Shortly after this conversation, he told me that he didn't think it was fair that the military were the only ones allowed semi- and automatic weapons. He thought every man should be allowed to arm himself as he saw fit. Ok, I'm all for having a gun, I have no problem with that. Having an arsenal of Uzis I have a problem with. Honestly, all I could picture was L holed up in a shack in Wyoming or somewhere with his stockpile of food and weapons looking like the unibomber. Whereas I think if there's going to be some sort of disaster, it's going to be a nuclear thing, he was like what if there's a chemical spill on the interstate and you can't get anywhere? Like I can't read a map and take other roads to where I might want to go.
One day, we could hear military transport vehicles overhead during the day (could be because there's an armory nearby... or the army base a couple of hours away, nothing unusual to hear them) and he told me that his first thought was, 'are they coming to get me.' Yes, folks, you read that right. Apparently, since they've been listening to our conversations through our DVR (yes, he wanted to dismantle our DVR because he heard that 'they' could plant microphones in them) he's a national threat.... Again, his sense of self-importance is astonishing.
He thinks that most people are slaves doing what the government tells us to do. Like a quote from his favored political candidate, 'people are quite happy to be slaves as long as they are well fed and well entertained.' He's talked about bolting 2 tractor trailers or 2 school busses together to live in... as well as converting a silo into a house. Now, kudos to those people that choose to live in dwellings like that, but I am not one of them. Kudos to those people that want to ride a bicycle to make their toaster work, but I am not one of them. He knew that when he married me. When we met, he was going to buy a motor home and travel. But he started school, trusted his company, and we bought the house. We thought things would be ok. But then he started thinking that the world owed him something. He still thinks the world owes him something. He doesn't want to have kids because he doesn't want to 'slave' to feed someone else's mouth when he can't even feed his own. He has said that he wouldn't take care of a special needs child if we had one because he wouldn't pay the doctor bills. He has told me that he doesn't want to have kids with me because he's afraid that I'll croak when I'm 40 and he'll be "stuck" raising them when he didn't want them in the first place.
His friend J called me a few weeks ago and asked me if I thought there was something wrong with him. He said that he'd noticed a lot of little things that were indicative of severe bipolar disorder. I thought something along the lines of schzophrenia, but a lot of the symptoms are simiar. J's sister works for a psychiatrist and she agreed. J talked to L, and he seemed to take it rather well, and said he'd consider meds again. But when tell him that he needs to go back on meds (he was on something when we started dating, but he just decided that he didn't need it anymore) he says he'll just smoke pot every day. And he does. When he did it every now and then when we were dating, it wasn't a huge deal, but now, it's ridiculous. I feel like I've been lied to all over the place. J doesn't think L had an intention of having kids with me, he just told me that so I'd marry him, thinking he could talk me out of it. And if he intended to smoke pot every day, he should have made that clear up front.
We had talked about getting divorced a couple of months ago, because he wasn't happy living the life that I have to live now (meaning I have to have a job with insurance, etc). But neither of us did anything about it. A couple of weeks ago, just before our anniversary, he came home mad. First he asked me if I'd put on weight (I had just come home from the gym). And he said that I needed to be doing something about it because he didn't want an obese wife. And now I was borderline grotesque to him. That was one of the reasons he didn't want to have kids because he was afraid I would balloon up to 500 pounds and he'd have to tie me to the back of his station wagon so I could run. Yes, he said that. And he said that he only needed women around for 3 or 4 things and I wasn't fulfilling any of them. Meaning, I didn't go down him whenever he wanted (sorry to be graphic), I didn't cook for him (even though we'd decided before we got married that he'd cook and I'd clean up). And even though I did the laundry, I could stop doing his until I got out strung up a line in the back yard beccause the dryer used too much electricity. Then he said something about not having kids, and I said fine, I'll call a lawyer. I haven't yet. But I had set a date in my head, of our anniversary--I was going to play nice until then then the gloves were coming off and the first time that he pissed me off, I was going to pack a bag and leave. Maybe just for a night, maybe for a week, I didn't know. So, I just took it. I knew that I was being emotionally abused, I was consciously aware of it, but I took it.
The next night, he was fine when I got home. I was pretty bitchy, and kept bringing up things he'd said. He told me to ignore all the bad stuff that he'd said because he'd just been "out of his head." Like I can ignore most of that stuff.
Later that week, we even went to a movie. Then on our anniversary the next week, we went out to eat and he bought me diamond earrings. I could barely be appreciatitve of them because it was just too little too late. He's hurt me too much.
I told J that it doesn't really matter whether he has a mental illness or not. I just want out. Does that make me a bad person? Even if he came to me and said that he wanted to go to counseling and go on meds, I still just want out. I have been so hurt by all of this. I still love him more than I know what to do with, but don't I have to take care of me? It's funny, he used to tell me that he wanted to take care of me. Of course, to this I responded, I can take care of myself. And for the most part, I can. But I need a little emotional support now. Especially with all the illness and other stuff that has happened to me. He had the perfect opportunity to take care of me, and he left it up to everyone else. I don't know what to do. I think I started preparing for divorce when he used the word in April. Before he'd talk about leaving, or kicking my ass out, but he'd never used the word divorce before. I think in the back of my head I started preparing for it. But I still don't know what to do. We're trying to sell the house, but I don't want to get an apartment with him. I want to make a clean break. Does that make me a bad person? I know there is someone that will treat me exactly like I deserve to be treated. What it is that keeps me wasting time with this person? I know when I got married, I intended to get married for eternity. But when all of the vows were broken on one side first, what am I supposed to do?
Ok, now, there are things that I have left out. I'm sure I have thoroughly confused some of you. But this is the gist of it. Thanks for reading. Thanks for caring about what goes on in my life. Thanks for caring about me. Love to you all.
This year started out with quite a bang. L's dad having open heart surgery and me having a stroke. Me stuck in the hospital in North Carolina and often having no idea where L was. Getting back home, to be off work for about a month and a half. This was rather detrimental for work, we were in the midst of a development transition since my company had aquired another business and I had gotten promoted to the supervisor over the accounts payable for this entity. Not the time for me to be having a serious illness. But I couldn't very well talk on the phone when I couldn't figure out how to say the simpliest of words. But I was back in the swing of things in about a month and a half. Which for a person like me, who is a BIG believer in avoidance, it was perfect. I was able to throw myself into work and not have to deal with the issues at home.
It was early in the year when L started getting even weirder. He was very paranoid of everything. He had abandoned his starting his own business idea. He started reading odd stuff and coming up with random ideas--such as the government was out to get him because he'd "woken up" to the "truth." What truth he's referring to, I'm not sure. He had always been a little freaked out about the whole world ending in 2012 thing, but this was getting ridiculous. But I'm getting ahead of myself. We had been having problems from the time I had gotten home from North Carolina. And I had almost had enough. As a matter of fact, I had actually gone out with friends one night not wearing my wedding ring (something that I never do). I wasn't out trolling for men, but I was just tired of being the married single woman, you know. Anyway. I believe it was Good Friday that this explosion happened. Dana was at the house just hanging out, burning some cds when he got home. Apparently L had tried to call me, but since we have no service in our house, I didn't get the call. I had gotten a call earlier from a number that I didn't know, so I didn't answer it. When he walked through the door, he was pissed. You could just see it on his face. He had already accused me of cheating on him one day a couple of weeks prior because he didn't see the vehicle I was driving at the time parked in front of the house (but it was there... I was dead asleep when he got upstairs). So when he saw Dana's car in front of the house and my car no where to be found(my car was around the back of the house), he was livid all over again... because he was already mad that I hadn't answered his call (which remember I didn't recieve). He came in and basically showed himself in front of Dana, I tried to apologize for missing the call (I thought maybe he'd called me from someone else's phone and that was the number I'd ignored). He was having none of it. He took a shower and then left. I had made plans with to go out with some friends that night, so I went and picked up my friend, B (mentioned in part 1, the guy that introduced us) and we went to my friend's apartment in Tennessee. We went to Nashville to hear some music. After we'd been out for a while, I started getting text messages. At first, they were flirty. Then they stopped. About a half hour later, he was blowing up my phone asking where I was. I told him. He was pissed. Especially when I told him I was with B. Apparently, he thought I was sitting home alone (like I usually do when he's out with his friends) so he thought he'd come home and 'have his way with me' as he put it. And when I wasn't there, he was livid. He told me that I'd better get home now. Against my better judgement, I had my friends leave and came home. He told me that I'd better be driving myself home...alone. Meaning that I had to leave B at our friend's apartment. By the time I got home, I was the livid one. I walked in the door and said something to the effect of 'just because you don't believe in fidelity doesn't mean that I don't. I have never cheated on a boyfriend in my life, much less my husband.' This was followed by some retarted story about B hitting on another guy's girl or something... to which I responded, I can take care of myself. If B tries to put the moves on me, I can put an end to that quickly. But he would never do that to me, B was the best man at our wedding for pete's sake. I was like, I couldn't care less if you trust B or not, but you'd damn well better trust me. Finally, after talking till 6 am, he was satisfied but I was more discontent than ever.
Then in April he started talking about the world coming to an end... we'd all be fighting for every bite we had, women would be turned into baby making machines for the government for soldiers, etc. He told me that we had to start stockpiling food for such an event. Now, I'm all for having an emergency kit, but he was talking crazy (I mean, food storage gone berzerk). He's talking about this one morning before work and I said, there's not going to be a natural disaster of that magnatude any time soon. To this he says, I'm going to divorce you if you don't stop talking like that. Excuse me. Just because I have the capacity to think rationally, you're going to divorce me?
Shortly after this conversation, he told me that he didn't think it was fair that the military were the only ones allowed semi- and automatic weapons. He thought every man should be allowed to arm himself as he saw fit. Ok, I'm all for having a gun, I have no problem with that. Having an arsenal of Uzis I have a problem with. Honestly, all I could picture was L holed up in a shack in Wyoming or somewhere with his stockpile of food and weapons looking like the unibomber. Whereas I think if there's going to be some sort of disaster, it's going to be a nuclear thing, he was like what if there's a chemical spill on the interstate and you can't get anywhere? Like I can't read a map and take other roads to where I might want to go.
One day, we could hear military transport vehicles overhead during the day (could be because there's an armory nearby... or the army base a couple of hours away, nothing unusual to hear them) and he told me that his first thought was, 'are they coming to get me.' Yes, folks, you read that right. Apparently, since they've been listening to our conversations through our DVR (yes, he wanted to dismantle our DVR because he heard that 'they' could plant microphones in them) he's a national threat.... Again, his sense of self-importance is astonishing.
He thinks that most people are slaves doing what the government tells us to do. Like a quote from his favored political candidate, 'people are quite happy to be slaves as long as they are well fed and well entertained.' He's talked about bolting 2 tractor trailers or 2 school busses together to live in... as well as converting a silo into a house. Now, kudos to those people that choose to live in dwellings like that, but I am not one of them. Kudos to those people that want to ride a bicycle to make their toaster work, but I am not one of them. He knew that when he married me. When we met, he was going to buy a motor home and travel. But he started school, trusted his company, and we bought the house. We thought things would be ok. But then he started thinking that the world owed him something. He still thinks the world owes him something. He doesn't want to have kids because he doesn't want to 'slave' to feed someone else's mouth when he can't even feed his own. He has said that he wouldn't take care of a special needs child if we had one because he wouldn't pay the doctor bills. He has told me that he doesn't want to have kids with me because he's afraid that I'll croak when I'm 40 and he'll be "stuck" raising them when he didn't want them in the first place.
His friend J called me a few weeks ago and asked me if I thought there was something wrong with him. He said that he'd noticed a lot of little things that were indicative of severe bipolar disorder. I thought something along the lines of schzophrenia, but a lot of the symptoms are simiar. J's sister works for a psychiatrist and she agreed. J talked to L, and he seemed to take it rather well, and said he'd consider meds again. But when tell him that he needs to go back on meds (he was on something when we started dating, but he just decided that he didn't need it anymore) he says he'll just smoke pot every day. And he does. When he did it every now and then when we were dating, it wasn't a huge deal, but now, it's ridiculous. I feel like I've been lied to all over the place. J doesn't think L had an intention of having kids with me, he just told me that so I'd marry him, thinking he could talk me out of it. And if he intended to smoke pot every day, he should have made that clear up front.
We had talked about getting divorced a couple of months ago, because he wasn't happy living the life that I have to live now (meaning I have to have a job with insurance, etc). But neither of us did anything about it. A couple of weeks ago, just before our anniversary, he came home mad. First he asked me if I'd put on weight (I had just come home from the gym). And he said that I needed to be doing something about it because he didn't want an obese wife. And now I was borderline grotesque to him. That was one of the reasons he didn't want to have kids because he was afraid I would balloon up to 500 pounds and he'd have to tie me to the back of his station wagon so I could run. Yes, he said that. And he said that he only needed women around for 3 or 4 things and I wasn't fulfilling any of them. Meaning, I didn't go down him whenever he wanted (sorry to be graphic), I didn't cook for him (even though we'd decided before we got married that he'd cook and I'd clean up). And even though I did the laundry, I could stop doing his until I got out strung up a line in the back yard beccause the dryer used too much electricity. Then he said something about not having kids, and I said fine, I'll call a lawyer. I haven't yet. But I had set a date in my head, of our anniversary--I was going to play nice until then then the gloves were coming off and the first time that he pissed me off, I was going to pack a bag and leave. Maybe just for a night, maybe for a week, I didn't know. So, I just took it. I knew that I was being emotionally abused, I was consciously aware of it, but I took it.
The next night, he was fine when I got home. I was pretty bitchy, and kept bringing up things he'd said. He told me to ignore all the bad stuff that he'd said because he'd just been "out of his head." Like I can ignore most of that stuff.
Later that week, we even went to a movie. Then on our anniversary the next week, we went out to eat and he bought me diamond earrings. I could barely be appreciatitve of them because it was just too little too late. He's hurt me too much.
I told J that it doesn't really matter whether he has a mental illness or not. I just want out. Does that make me a bad person? Even if he came to me and said that he wanted to go to counseling and go on meds, I still just want out. I have been so hurt by all of this. I still love him more than I know what to do with, but don't I have to take care of me? It's funny, he used to tell me that he wanted to take care of me. Of course, to this I responded, I can take care of myself. And for the most part, I can. But I need a little emotional support now. Especially with all the illness and other stuff that has happened to me. He had the perfect opportunity to take care of me, and he left it up to everyone else. I don't know what to do. I think I started preparing for divorce when he used the word in April. Before he'd talk about leaving, or kicking my ass out, but he'd never used the word divorce before. I think in the back of my head I started preparing for it. But I still don't know what to do. We're trying to sell the house, but I don't want to get an apartment with him. I want to make a clean break. Does that make me a bad person? I know there is someone that will treat me exactly like I deserve to be treated. What it is that keeps me wasting time with this person? I know when I got married, I intended to get married for eternity. But when all of the vows were broken on one side first, what am I supposed to do?
Ok, now, there are things that I have left out. I'm sure I have thoroughly confused some of you. But this is the gist of it. Thanks for reading. Thanks for caring about what goes on in my life. Thanks for caring about me. Love to you all.
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